Couple: are all truths good to tell? Not no matter how our psychologist explains
“I need more time for myself“, “I don’t always feel listened to or understood“, “Our relationship needs to evolve on certain points“…In love, many truths deserve to be said. But the tone and the way of formulating them matter a lot. Here are the warnings and recommendations of a psychologist, to speak without offending your other half.
To say everything or not to say everything: that is the question
While any “balanced” relationship is based on honesty, some truths can hurt unnecessarily. Before speaking, ask yourself if your words will help the relationship… or simply cause harm.
“It’s important to think about what you’re going to say, especially when the truth hurts. Indeed, not all truths are always good to hear : we must remember that there are limits to what we can say”,
recognizes Pascal Anger.
For example, telling your partner that a girl/boy made eyes at us earlier this morning is not absolutely a very good idea. This won’t do you much good… and will simply cause pain to the other person.
“In a couple, there must therefore not be an absolute sharing of everything. The secret garden of the other deserves to be respected”, reminds the practitioner.
But not saying certain things does not necessarily mean lying to others. We may need to keep certain experiences or feelings to ourselves: the desire to see an ex again, difficulties in our family, etc. The key is not to hurt the other person unnecessarily.
The question of infidelity, for example, is relatively complex: should we say it or not? “It depends on what each person is going through and what the couple is able to hear and tolerate. Transparency may be important, but a couple is not a confessional either“, says the expert.
The right balance is therefore not obvious and is found throughout the relationship: you have to learn to know the other, to better understand their reactions and emotions (this, I can tell them; this, no).
When and how you say it matters as much as the truth
So you will have understood: if every word can be heard… it can also cause lasting harm. The context and the sensitivity of the other also take precedence (tell them: “I am not fulfilled in our relationship“, the day before a stressful event – for example, your annual interview – is not the best idea).
“Certainly, we live in a society where communication is permanent. However, it is also important to respect the silence of others and what they are not able to hear (example: I made a small deviation last night…). And the context matters a lot! You have to know when and how to say things”, confirms Pascal Anger.
Then, it all depends on how the other person receives what is said, what they do with it: will they get angry? Cry ? Shut themselves off completely?… When faced with a difficult truth, some will need to talk about it immediately, while others will prefer to take time to digest the information before coming back to it.
“Also think about the way you say things. Sometimes you have to know how to take care of others, remember that we are different in the way we are and express ourselves,”
concludes the expert.
Telling the truth in a relationship is therefore not a universal rule. It all depends on when, how and one’s ability to hear it. The essential thing remains to preserve dialogue and trust, without forgetting that loving also implies taking care of the other’s sensitivity.