Couple: hating your partner… a necessary step according to this therapist!

Loving someone does not exclude experiencing, sometimes, phases of tension or irritation towards them — and this can be completely normal. In any case, this is the theory of an American therapist, who sees no problem with it… as long as actions are put in place to calm the situation. This feeling, as surprising as it may be, could even be beneficial to the couple. What does our psychologist think?

It may seem shocking, but for American therapist Terrence Real, experiencing temporary hatred towards one’s spouse does not signal the end of a relationship. On the contrary, it would just be a normal – and even healthy – step in a lasting relationship. In an interview relayed on TikTok by Tim Ferriss, this specialist in marital dynamics calls this “normal marital hatred”.

One emotion among others, not to be rejected

According to him, all couples go through moments of rejection, weariness, even intense exasperation. “You may think, “What the hell did I do?”…and your partner probably thinks the same thing about you“, he says.

This vision partly echoes that of psychologist Johanna Rozenblum, who recognizes the variation of feelings as inherent to life as a couple: “The person we live with catalyzes all our emotions: anger, frustration, but also the most tender impulses“. For her, the couple acts like a magnifying glass that intensifies each emotion.

Temporary hatred, an opportunity to grow?

But far from being a sign of failure, this phase of tension can become an opportunity for growth, provided you know how to get out of it without blowing everything up.

Terrence Real insists: it is not hatred in itself that is toxic, but the way we react to it. If it serves to fuel resentment or humiliate others, it of course becomes destructive. But if it is recognized, expressed maturely and followed by a genuine effort at repair, it can strengthen the bond. This is an opinion that will perhaps reassure some blood couples.

When hatred sets in, it’s not good news for the couple

But for Johanna Rozenblum, this theory is a bit extreme if you come to hate your partner (rather than being annoyed, for example): “Hate, or detestation, comes a little too close to rejection. When we arrive at this stage, we have nevertheless passed a milestone which says something about our relationship. So, obviously, the relationship is never made solely of love, empathy, understanding, but there must always be this desire to deal with the other’s failings, with their neuroses, with their difficulties.“.