On the occasion of the publication of his work The 3 secrets of couples that lastpsychoanalyst Christian Richomme analyzes this modern paradox: knowing yourself better could make life together more complex. Between the quest for alignment, refusal to compromise and increasing loneliness, the couple is going through an unprecedented transformation.
From the obvious couple to the choice couple: an intimate revolution
There was a time when the couple came almost naturally. An expected step, part of a marked life journey. Today, this evidence is disappearing. In France, nearly 36% of households are made up of just one person, according to INSEE. In Northern Europe, this proportion reaches up to 45%. And more than a third of French people declare themselves single, according to the IFOP. These numbers tell a story about much more than demographic change. They reflect a profound transformation of the relationship with others.
The couple is no longer a social obligation, nor even an economic refuge. It becomes a space for personal development, where everyone expects to feel fully in their place. This shift radically changes expectations.
As psychoanalyst Christian Richomme analyzes:
“The couple is no longer a social obviousness. It has become a personal choice… and therefore much more demanding”.
In other words, we no longer get into a relationship to “be in a relationship”, but to live a meaningful relationship. This new requirement raises the expected quality of the link… but it also complicates access.
Know yourself to choose better… and sometimes give up
In this evolution, personal development plays a central role. Therapies, introspection, work on oneself: never have individuals sought so much to understand their emotions, their needs, their limits.
This movement brings precious lucidity. It makes it possible to identify more quickly what is not suitable, what hurts, what is unbalanced. But this clarity comes at a price.
“We learn to choose ourselves… but that also means we choose less by default“
This shift is subtle, but decisive. Where once compromise was an integral part of the couple, today it becomes more difficult to accept. The idea of “doing with” gives way to that of “doing just”.
Little by little, the ideal relationship takes shape: emotional compatibility, alignment of values, fluid communication, emotional security. Legitimate expectations, but which, cumulatively, make the meeting rarer.
Self-knowledge, supposed to bring people together, can then become a powerful filter. Too powerful, sometimes.
Being free… at the risk of being alone: the contemporary paradox
This is where the paradox arises. Never have individuals been so free to choose their lives, and yet loneliness is increasing.
Autonomy has become a cardinal value. Knowing how to live alone is no longer seen as a failure, but as a skill, almost a strength. However, this independence is accompanied by high relational demands, which can slow down commitment.
Christian Richomme summarizes this tension with disarming lucidity:
“It is not personal development that separates the couple. It profoundly transforms our way of loving. We can no longer stand relationships that don’t suit us… but we haven’t yet learned to build those that could last.“.
These words say the essential: we know better what we no longer want, but we are still looking for how to build lasting relationships in this new framework. Because the couple has not disappeared. He transforms. It is no longer simply a question of “holding together”, but of “working together”. This requires accepting a part of imperfection, renouncing the absolute ideal, and building over time.
Learn to love again, differently
What this mutation reveals is not a falling out of love between the couple, but a redefinition of its foundations. Love alone is no longer enough. It must be accompanied by maturity, flexibility, and an ability to deal with others without denying oneself. The challenge is there: finding a balance between demands and tolerance, between freedom and commitment.
In this period of transition, benchmarks waver. But one thing remains: the desire for connection. Perhaps more conscious, more fragile too, but still deeply human. What if the challenge, from now on, was not to find the perfect relationship, but to learn, patiently, to build a possible relationship?