Almost daily arguments, no real complicity, no shared moments… Your relationship is clearly in trouble and yet, you are not separating from your partner. How to explain it? True Medical asked the question to psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou, who reveals her point of view on the subject.
The extinction of the feeling of love: an end or an evolution?
“Disenchantment is a complex notion that often develops insidiously within marital relationships. begins Aline Nativel Id Hammou. This does not necessarily mark the end of the bond, but rather the end of the romantic and passionate illusion. Over time, everyday life and routine take precedence over the intimacy of the beginning.
“This phenomenon, very common in couples therapy, depends on many parameters: the age of the partners, the duration of the relationship and the presence or absence of children.” she adds. If the feeling of love dies, it often gives way to a form of deep attachment, a mutual trust and an investment which makes separation difficult to envisage.
The 4 pillars that hold back “unloved” couples
Why choose to stay despite the discomfort? The psychologist lists four major reasons:
- Emotional and material investment. After 5, 10 or 20 years of living together, the weight of the projects completed (children, real estate, career) is immense. We “grew up together”, and the energy mobilized – both psychological and financial – curbs the desire to stop everything;
- Fear of the unknown. Paradoxically, we can find benefit in discomfort. We know each other’s rituals and how they work. Leaving this stability means facing a new solitude and having to project oneself “from nothing”;
- Loyalty and sense of duty. The couple is a moral contract, towards the partner but also towards society and the family. The fear of “betraying” the image of the united couple or of destabilizing the children plays a preponderant role;
- Attachment security. The partner remains a reassuring “life partner”. The social status of a person in a relationship (married, civil partnership) remains, even today, more valued and secure.
“Alone for two”: the risks for mental health
Staying for “good reasons” is not without consequences. Aline Nativel Id Hammou warns of the impact of such a situation on individual balance. When we cannot accept that we are no longer happy in our relationship, the body can take over through somatization.
“Sleep disorders, back pain, migraines or anxiety are all alarm signals sent by the psyche” explains our expert. “This “loneliness as a couple” can even lead to a drop in self-esteem, or even depressive symptoms. The feeling of forgetting oneself in favor of a facade ends up impacting all spheres of life, from parenthood to social relationships.“.
Breaking out of the impasse through communication and introspection
Is this a passing phase or a definitive end? To find out, some introspection is necessary. It’s not about “courage”, but about lucidity. The psychologist advises asking yourself questions individually: “What is actually holding me back? What do I want and what is possible?”
Once this point is made, communication is key. It is essential to dare to share your feelings with your partner to decide, together, what happens next. Whether to attempt a romantic renewal or to prepare for a peaceful separation, couples therapy can prove to be a valuable tool for restoring dialogue and no longer enduring the situation.