In a relationship, we can go through years to hope that things will improve, to think that what you feel is not so serious, to believe that what you experience is “normal”. Until a small inner voice whispers: is that really what I deserve? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, proposes to ask three very simple questions, but which, in her words, are as “just as pretty”. Sometimes that’s all you need to put the church back in the middle of the village, as she says herself.
Do you really feel appreciated?
Knowing that it is appreciated is the first thing to wonder. “Not tolerated. Not supported, but appreciated. Really. At your fair value” Insists Amélie Boukhobza.
The appreciation is not a luxury, it is a base. Feel seen, recognized, taken into account for what you are – not just for what you do or what you give – is essential to feel loved.
Psychology speaks of dyadic appreciation: that is to say a shared experience, where everyone feels and expresses the recognition of the other. As shown in a 2023 study (Current opinion in Psychology), this deep feeling of being appreciated is one of the best predictors of long -term relational satisfaction.
But to be real, the appreciation must be concrete and sincere. A “thank you” said mechanically, without emotion, without precision, ends up ringing empty. Just because your partner tells you thank you that you make you feel that you plan.
“Does the other look at you again? Is he seeing what you are, what you do, what you are going through?”, specifies our expert.
If you have the impression that your efforts go unnoticed, that your qualities have become invisible or that your flaws are always criticized, then no, you are not appreciated. “”And without this fundamental recognition, we go out. Slowly. But surely. “
Does your partner care about how his choices affect you?
Second question: does your partner care about how his choices act on you.
Love is not only expressed in words, but in choices. Not only in major decisions like moving or getting married, but in everyday gestures: choosing to spend time together, sharing responsibilities, consulting you before acting, paying attention to what you feel. “”It is not a question of agreeing on everything. Nor to please at all costs. But not to walk on eggs either “ supports the psychologist.
A 2013 study (Current Directions in Psychological Science) recalls that the relationship is actually a continuous space of decisions. Each of them – even the most harmless – says a lot about the place you occupy in the mind of the other.
“In this context, does he take into account your feelings? Your limits? Or are you always the one who adapts, who collects, who picked up?” questions the expert.
Remember that a healthy link is based on real mutual consideration. It is not you who must constantly bend, delay, or repair. When it is no longer reciprocal, it is no longer love, it is an imbalance. And if, basically, you know that your partner acts first for himself, hoping that you understand or catch up with the consequences … then you have your answer.
If nothing could change, would you stay?
Finally, the last legitimate question to take into account: would you stay, if you knew that nothing would change in the near future. “”Not if it was better. Not if it was evolving. Just … if it remained exactly like today ” poses the psychologist.
This is undoubtedly the most formidable question. Because it does not project you into an idealized future, but brutally brings you back to the present moment. To your concrete reality. Certainly, relations evolve. But some patterns are deeply rooted. And if you were to live the next few years exactly as now, without improvement or change, would it be acceptable to you? Would you be at peace? “
“The answer to this question says a lot. Because it brings you back to the essentials: what you feel there now. Not to what you hope one day.”
Psychology shows that the key factor for the longevity of a couple is not the amount of support given, but the deep feeling of being supported (Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology). You can have a partner who “makes efforts” apparently, but if you feel alone in the difficulties, if you alone do the mental charge, the emotional or the link … So it is not support, it is exhaustion.
Dare to get back to the center
In addition, asking yourself these questions is not harmful to your couple. “This does not mean that you are questioning your couple in question. It’s getting back to the center” nuance Amélie Boukhobza.
These three questions are not a judgment. They are a mirror. They are not intended to create a break, but to restore your lucidity. And sometimes, it only takes a return to yourself to regain balance, redefine your needs, set limits … or simply understand that you deserve better.
“Asking yourself if you live the relationship that you deserve, it is a soft but powerful way to remember an essential truth: you deserve to be loved without having to justify yourself, exhaust yourself, or disappear.”