Have you ever heard your partner Insinuate that he expects something from you, without telling you directly: “Ah well, still laundry, I’m going to do everything alone.”. A request in the form of a disguised reproach which now has a name, the “Dry Begging”, or dry begging in French. And which promises to be a toxic alarm signal for shrinks.
What is dry begging?
Dry begging is an indirect way of looking for support, whether emotional, financial or practical, without asking it directly. The technique? (Conscious or not) moan or make a sufficiently audible comment, to orient his partner, or his friend to react. . . Examples:
- “”Our neighbor offered beautiful flowers to his partner. I haven’t had one forever“;
- “”I still don’t know how I’m going to get back from the airport, but hey, I guess I’m going to manage“;
- “”There is so much cleaning to do, I don’t know what to start with … while I’m already exhausted.“;
- “”I don’t feel well right now, but hey, you’re not sure, you have better“.
The allusion is not very subtle and above all, it appears as an aggressive passive communication. The objective is to appeal to the sense of duty of the other or to make it feel guilty.
Behavior that uses the link
Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, warns: this way of never asking for help, is a completely unbearable behavior on a daily basis.
“Why do we do that? Because we hope that the other understands without being exposed. Because to ask is to feel vulnerable, to take the risk of a refusal. So we prefer the disguised complaint, while waiting for someone to capture the hidden message”.
Whether for fear of rejection, to test your relationship or to manipulate your partner, the technique is not very effective. “”By force, this communication often uses and obtains the opposite of the desired effect. Instead of support, annoyance is harvested ” summarizes our shrink.
Having allusions instead of requesting directly can thus generate a vicious circle of assumptions, resentment and frustration.
How to react to dry begging
The key is to break the cycle of indirect communication and to encourage the person to clearly express their needs “Trying as best they can not get angry, nor playing soothsayers “ underlines our expert. The best is to favor the explicit, says Amélie Boukhoza: “Do you need help?” Or “Tell me directly what you expect from me, it will be faster 🙂“… “This approach shortly cuts to implicit game and puts clarity. The things are so much simpler when they are said, without innuendo, therefore without misunderstandings”.
Likewise, it is a question of reviewing its limits (on what you want to do or not) and to talk about it. Not to rush as soon as an allusion is made.
How to change if you think you are practicing this?
What if we recognize ourselves in there? “”You have to allow yourself to ask. Really. To say “I need” rather than “no one …”. It seems banal, but it’s a small revolution “.
Because in reality, behind the complaint almost always hides a fear: that of being rejected. “”But if we understand that in reality, this mode of communication annoys deeply, maybe we will finally dare to say things. And that we will find a real relationship to the other “.
Remember that the franchise is a form of kindness. It spares both parties the anxiety of the riddles and strengthens confidence.