To say no, to take time for yourself, to change your mind or to assert an opinion: so many harmless gestures which can sometimes trigger a diffuse inner discomfort, as a silent alert. This pinch in the belly, this doubt that interferes … Welcome to the territory of guilt without real cause, which overwhelms some of us.
When guilt becomes a reflex … unjustified
Indeed, refusing a proposal or even not having reacted with enough enthusiasm can sometimes give us the feeling of not having acted as it should be. Or not as we expected. And that can make us cogitate, even leave us a bitter impression.
“”Have a feeling of guilt without reason? It happens. Often, even. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong“Recalls psychologist Amélie Boukhobza, however.
Because, contrary to popular belief, feeling guilt does not necessarily mean that we have injured someone or violates an objective moral rule. This feeling can also be the fruit of an emotional conditioning or a scheme of thought learned – and much more often than we think.
A moral emotion … but not always rational
By definition, guilt is an emotion centered on the other: it is born from the perception of having caused harm. It can be healthy when it pushes us to recognize a real fault and to repair it … but it can also be internalized, distorted or induced by external standards, family, cultural or social expectations.
“”Canability does not necessarily mean being wrong. It just means that we have integrated rules … sometimes absurd“Insists Amélie Boukhobza.
This unfounded guilt can result:
- Of an education based on fear or shame;
- Past experiences of rejection or humiliation;
- A need to be loved or approved at all costs;
- Or even mechanisms of emotional manipulation, such as the inversion of guilt in toxic relationships (when a partner rejects all the fault on you).
A moral compass sometimes disregarded
In these cases, “internalized guilt becomes a survival strategy“explains psychologist Lynn Margolies in the media Psychology Today. It is no longer a punctual signal, but an almost permanent state. Result: we doubt ourselves, we apologize for existing, we live in the shadow of constant discomfort. Do you recognize yourself?
The feeling of fault does not come from a reprehensible action, but from the fear of disappointing, to get out of the role that we expect from us. We then confuse loyalty and self-effect.
“”Canabling is also sometimes a way of reassuring yourself. We feel guilty to give yourself a good conscience, to stay ‘on the right side’“, Analysis Amélie Boukhobza.
How to make the share of things (and silence this little voice)?
To distinguish a legitimate guilt from internalized guilt, two questions can make all the difference, according to our expert:
- Have I really hurt someone? Or do I feel that simply because I displeased or contradict an implicit standard?
- To whom does that take advantage that I be silent, that I bend, that I erase myself? “If the answer is ‘to anyone’, then there is probably nothing to repair.”
The key to getting out of this mechanics is to recognize that all guilt is not proof of lack. Sometimes it is not an ethical signal, but an emotional memory of the past. By putting awareness of these reflexes, we gradually readjust our moral compass, no longer on the fear of displeasing, but on our own values.
“”Before you ask you ‘Did I do badly?’, Asked, ‘Did I really hurt?‘”insists Amélie Boukhobza.
The answer can sometimes lighten you in a few minutes. “”Sometimes you just feel guilty … to be yourself. And that, no reproach justifies it. “
And that is good to say it and hear it once and for all.