In their work “Overcome the 7 emotions that rot our lives“, Mollie West Duffy and Liz Fosslien, two American specialists in emotional management, deliver precious keys to tame our toxic thoughts. And among the most devious emotions they evoke, there is the one that pushes us to constantly compare us to others. Here are seven effective tracks to regain control.
Understand where the comparison reflex comes from
The first thing to do is to identify the moments when this feeling arises. Why does it scratch you when the wedding or promotion announced? It may well be less jealousy than poorly digested admiration.
A young woman quoted in the book feels a pinch of the heart by learning that her friend became a lawyer. By digging, she realizes that she has always had this dream buried in her. It is therefore not that he has succeeded better than she, but that he dared to make a choice that she has not yet made. The comparison then becomes a precious signal: that of your real desires.
It’s up to you: whenever you feel a peak of jealousy, ask yourself the question. Does it bother you because it looks like you? Or would you just have liked to have the courage to try the same thing?
When the desire turns to bitterness (and how to avoid it)
Envy can be an engine or a poison. It all depends on the way it is interpreted. When a success seems inaccessible or unfair to you, it can feed resentment. However, seeing someone succeeding what you hope is also proof that it is possible.
Where some close, others choose to open: ask for advice, to be inspired, to learn. Rather than telling yourself that you will never get there, remember that it is not yet the right time. And above all, look where you leave: you have probably already taken several steps that you neglect.
Here are some concrete keys to transform a toxic desire into a useful engine:
- Ask questions to those you admire instead of envying them in your corner;
- Remember that you are on the way, not stop;
- Take the time to honor your own journey.
See what others do not show
There is this perfect photo on Instagram. This smooth and motivating LinkedIn post. And you, in your pajamas, you feel dropped. However, everyone has their flaws, it’s just that we don’t exhibit them in public. According to a survey cited in the book, 82 % of people recognize their daily lives. Either by zapping the galleys, or by overestimating what they really do. Result: we compare ourselves to illusions.
The next time you feel a blow of blues when you see the dream life of a loved one, ask yourself: and if it was less beautiful than expected? What are the moments of which you are proud but that you never share? Maybe there is more balance in your lives than you thought.
Do not compare yourself when you already have morale in the socks
It’s a day without. Nothing is fine. And you come across the post of knowledge that has lost 8 kilos, signed a permanent contract and bought a van. Too much for your brain already at the end. In these moments, the comparison becomes a distorting magnifying glass. Your judgment is altered, and what you see is anything but neutral. A study by the University of Houston confirmed it: to connect to social networks when you feel badly increases the feeling of loneliness and failure.
The right reflex? Distance from it. Limit your time on the networks, especially when your morale is fragile. And keep in mind that it is not reality, just a showcase.
Do not judge your life through one person
You are single and your best friend announces that she is getting married. Immediately, you feel late. But if you widen your field of vision a little, you will see that everyone is not at the same point. To compare yourself to a single person is to forget that everyone is advancing at their own pace, with their priorities. Talk about it: you will surely find other people in your case, serene and fulfilled.
Ask yourself: do I have what I need now? Maybe your happiness does not go through the same boxes as that of those around you. And it’s very good like that.
Compare what is comparable
We want the salary of a friend, his car or his success … without seeing the rest of the decor. Behind appearances sometimes hide heavy sacrifices.
Your colleague may gain double you, but he never sees his children. Your influencer girlfriend lives in a studio and responds to 150 messages per day. The comparison only makes sense if we take into account the whole table. Before jealousing a situation, ask yourself the right questions:
- Am I ready to live exactly the same life? ;
- What are the aspects I really want, and those that I would not support? ;
- What I envy reflects my deep desires or those that society stuck to me?
Very often, it is not the life of the other one we want, but the social validation that goes with it. It’s up to you to choose what really matters.
Take stock of its own evolution
We often forget to look in the rear view mirror. However, even if you are not where you want to be, you are no longer at all where you were. And that’s already huge. Take a moment to take stock. What did you learn recently? What obstacles have you overcome? And if you were to start again, what would you do differently?
Changing work, putting an end to a relationship or moving are not failures. These are turns, sometimes brutal, but often necessary. What you are going through today prepares you for what you will be tomorrow.