In a romantic relationship, we often aspire to harmony, sweetness, perfect understanding. However, for fear of the conflict, to injure, or even to cause a break, many are silent what disturbs them, take over without saying anything, and end up fading a little, or too much. But the couples that last, and especially those who are happy, understood an essential thing: to put limits is not an act of selfishness, it is an act of love – for oneself and for the other. Here is why.
Setting limits is not to reject the other is to respect yourself
As the Fanny Hublent therapist recalls on her site, laying her limits in her couple is a way to respect and love yourself unconditionally. In the absence of clear limits, misunderstandings, frustrations, even resentments can accumulate, to the point of jeopardizing the relationship.
And the danger does not stop there. Not knowing how to say no is also, often, attracting people who will go beyond our personal borders. Leaving to do it, yielding constantly, is equivalent to sending the message that it is acceptable not to respect us. It also amounts, unconsciously, to deny its deep values.
False ideas on the limits in the couple
Amélie Boukhobza, a clinical psychologist, underlines a current confusion: we often confuse to put his limits with being hard or selfish. So we often prefer to round the corners. Nothing is said, to “preserve” the relationship. But this apparent silence has a price: that of self -erasure.
“”In the couple, to put their limits, it is not putting a barrier between yourself and the other. This means: this is where I am. This is what matters to me “, she explains with accuracy.
What we think we are protecting, we gradually sacrifice it. And what is not expressed ends, one day, by exploding … or extinguish.
“And sometimes even, the other is moving away … because he fell in love with this person. Not from an erased, accommodating version, subject to everything. Not the one who says yes to everything so as not to disturb”.
It is therefore better to be clear from the start on your own needs, which is important for yourself (friends, family, activity …) or what you cannot tolerate either.
Say no, that is to say yes to oneself
Indeed, being able to say “no”, to express your needs, to assert what is unacceptable for yourself, it allows you to remain aligned with your deep values, to preserve your self -esteem. And above all, this makes it possible to create a relationship based on mutual trust, where everyone can be fully themselves.
Because a healthy relationship is not based on the absence of conflicts, but on the ability to say things. To be sincerely dialoguing. To set up a clear frame, without guilt.
The 5 pillars of healthy limits in the couple
How to show healthy limits in the couple? There are several essentials.
- Express your needs clearly: It is not up to the other to guess what makes us suffer or what we expect. You have to learn to put words, with kindness, on that.
- Refuse without feeling guilty: To say no is not to reject the other, but to choose without excluding.
- Respect your values: A hard relationship is built with authenticity. You can’t betray yourself indefinitely without paying the price. No need to deny what is important for you, even if your partner does not have exactly the same values.
- Create a space for free dialogue: Affective security is born from land where everyone can express their limits, without fear of being judged or abandoned.
- Stay yourself: The one whose other has fallen in love, it is you, with your convictions, your desires, your particularities – not an sweetened or complacent version. Don’t forget.
Finally, putting your limits allows you to choose a conscious relationship. As Amélie Boukhobza says, rightly says, “Show, define yourself, really exist”. This is what is the strength of a hard couple. And in case it seems difficult to you, remember one last thing: to say no when necessary is to preserve the “yes” that makes sense.