You were waiting to be home to empty your bag and find comfort with your partner, but he or she only lets out a vague “hm hm” at the end of sentences to validate your words. In short, he or she doesn’t really listen to you, or only with one ear. Is this the end of his interest? Not necessarily.
Lack of listening, a paradoxical effect of attachment
Because, as surprising as it may seem, according to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychologythe more we love and know our partner, the less attentive we are to their words. This may seem counterintuitive, especially when we remember the beginnings of a relationship, where every word was listened to with attention, like a treasure to be discovered. But over time, familiarity sets in. The other becomes obvious. And it is precisely this closeness, this deep trust, which sometimes makes listening more distracted.
A distracted partner… because he knows you by heart?
Psychologist Amélie Boukhobza also confirms this idea:
“We often hear that, to prove your love, you have to know how to listen to others. But according to this study, it seems that a partner who doesn’t always listen to us can also be a sign of love. The idea? He knows us so well, he is so confident, that he doesn’t always feel the need to pay attention to everything we say. He already knows what we think, he anticipates our reactions, he captures the essential.“
In a long-term relationship, certain conversations actually become predictable. Everyday life takes precedence over discovery, and attention can naturally relax. It’s not necessarily a lack of interest… but sometimes just an effect of routine.
Too much trust can become a trap for the couple
But be careful, nuance the psychologist:
“Love is also being comfortable to the point of not always listening completely. We are no longer in seduction, where every word counts. We are in everyday life, where the other becomes obvious.”
The problem is when this lack of listening becomes a habit. If we feel systematically ignored, we can end up being hurt.
And this is what the study also underlines: this tendency to listen less to others is born from an overestimation of our ability to communicate. During the experiment, the researchers found that the participants were much more attentive and precise with strangers than with their own partner. With a foreign person, we redouble our efforts: we try to understand, to formulate clearly, to make ourselves heard. With a loved one, we wrongly assume that everything is already understood… which can, however, damage your bond.
Relearning to listen, the true proof of love
So, it is not a question of condemning these automatisms, but of becoming aware of them. Because, as Amélie Boukhobza reminds us:
“Let a partner pick up from time to time, why not. But if you constantly feel like you’re speaking into a void, that’s different. Love also means giving importance to the other’s words, even when they are familiar.“
In other words, listening remains an essential mark of attention and respect, even – and especially – when we think we know everything about the other. Ultimately, the real sign of strong love might just be this: “Surprise the other person by really listening to them, even when they think we already know the song“, concludes our psychologist.
Because loving also means never stopping listening to what seems known, to discover, again and again, the one we think we know by heart.