No matter how hard you try to understand, nothing works. Your spouse remains silent. But as he prepares to sulk for several days, a question comes to mind. Could he be manipulating you to better negotiate? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, answers us.
After an argument, needing silence can be normal
According to Amélie Boukhobza, needing to take a step back before being able to exchange again can be completely normal. And this does not mean that we seek at all costs to put “pressure” on the other.
“The fact of no longer speaking after an argument is not enough, in itself, to say that someone is manipulating their partner,”
she says.
In other words: some people need to withdraw after a conflict.
“They may be angry, hurt, overwhelmed, not know what to say or afraid of making the situation worse. Silence can then be a way of protecting themselves or reducing tension before being able to come back to the other. Why not, even if several days can seem very long…”, recognizes the psychologist.
For the other, on the other hand, the wait is often very difficult. How do you know if your partner is trying to regain his calm or if he is completely questioning the relationship?
When silence becomes a means of pressure
To know what is behind this “sulking”, we must observe “the function that this silence takes in the relationship” believes Amélie Boukhobza. Indeed, a partner who asks for space and then comes back to discuss is not in the same process as one who uses silence (almost) daily to obtain excuses and make the other give in…
“If the silence lasts several days, systematically returns after disagreements and essentially ends when the other apologizes, renounces his position or does what is expected of him, then, yes, it can seem like a real means of pressure,”
recognizes Amélie Boukhobza.
In this case, the dynamics of the relationship are worth interrogating.
This being said, the behavior of the “sulking” partner is not necessarily premeditated. Ignoring the other can be a simple reflex (unpleasant, certainly, but unconscious).
“Someone may have learned, over the course of their history or their relationships, that closing off has an effect on the other: the other person worries, feels guilty, comes back and gives in. The behavior then ends up taking hold because it works. Even if it is in a slightly toxic dynamic…”, she says.
The warning sign: you are starting to censor yourself
So when should you worry? Quite simply by observing… your own behavior. If you start to avoid certain topics or systematically take the first step for fear of further silence, be careful.
“Here, the partner will adjust directly, no longer say certain things, avoid certain disagreements, sometimes no longer be completely himself, simply to prevent the other from stopping talking to him for several days.” explains Amélie Boukhobza.
A problem, since this mode of operation can gradually reduce everyone’s freedom. “Silence begins to organize what the other allows themselves to say or not,” warns the specialist.
The duration of the silence is therefore not the only element to look at. We must also observe what it causes in those who experience it.
“Disappearing emotionally for several days without saying anything can be frightening, especially because we no longer know if the link is simply suspended while the anger subsides or if he himself is totally threatened,”
explains the psychologist. But anyway, “being afraid is destructive to any relationship.”
So what should you do when your partner is sulking?
Rather than immediately trying to find out if your partner is “manipulative”, a few questions can help you see things more clearly: how often does this silence come back? How does it end? And above all, what do we do to avoid it?
“We must especially look at how this scenario repeats itself and what it ends up producing,” confirms the specialist.
And one last question allows us to decide: “Can I still dare to disagree in this relationship without fearing that the other will remove the connection from me for several days? Or not…?”
If the answer is no, don’t minimize the situation. Talk about it calmly with your partner to set limits. And if talking is difficult, therapy can help you get out of this silent face-to-face encounter.