Over a trivial matter or a more serious subject, many couples argue almost on a daily basis. You are tired of these repeated conflicts, but what to do, what to say? A psychologist reveals 6 questions that help defuse a situation.
Arguing: a normal part of life as a couple
Couple arguments are not a problem in themselves. They are even quite frequent and all say something about us: they often reveal an imbalance which has developed in one of the two partners.However, if the argument in itself does not necessarily hurt, it is everything that accompanies it that disturbs: what goes around in a loop, overflows, goes beyond thought and intensifies. What becomes violent in words – sometimes in gestures – and leaves lasting traces”, underlines Amélie Boukhobza.
The psychologist also wants to point out that we rarely argue.for nothing“. The real subject simply became inaudible.
“When the tone rises, the brain no longer seeks to understand; he just wants to defend himself, to win, to survive. In these moments, asking some key questions can really transform the dynamic and prevent the conflict from becoming destructive.” assures the expert.
Here are 6 to use without counting.
What are we really talking about here?
According to the psychologist, this is a fundamental question, yet rarely asked at the right time. “Of course, I’m not thinking here about the dishes, any delay or a misinterpreted message. But rather what is touched behind, more deeply. The feeling of being left out. Lack of recognition. The fear of not counting…”, she relates. However, as long as we stay on the apparent subject, the argument can continue for a long time. “It’s only when we talk about the real issue that something can begin to calm down.“, she admits.
What am I trying to achieve in this argument?
Another uncomfortable but decisive question deserves attention: what am I trying to achieve in this argument? To be right? To be reassured? To be heard? Charge for something?
“Many arguments become violent because we attack the other without knowing what we really expect from them. And the other, for their part, feels attacked without understanding what is happening.” specifies the specialist.
Do my words reflect an old hurt or the current situation?
There is also this question, often enlightening: does what I say come from an old hurt/past pain or from the present situation?
“Certain reactions are disproportionate not because the other is exaggerating, but because an old file has been reopened. A feeling of abandonment, injustice or even humiliation then appears,” she relates.
Is it a good time to trade?
Another question, too often underestimated: is this the right time to speak? “Fatigue, stress, alcohol, mental overload… Sometimes the essence is right, but the moment is catastrophic. Postponing the discussion until the next morning can therefore be a good idea: you are not fleeing, but simply avoiding the explosion.” affirms the practitioner.
Am I trying to understand or defend myself?
In violent disputes, this question is very essential. “Am I trying to understand or defend myself? The two are not compatible at the same time. As long as we are in defense mode, we do not listen. We counterattack, we justify ourselves. We want to be right”, confides Amélie Boukhobza.
What do I need right now to calm down?
Finally, one last question, simple, but rarely asked out loud – perhaps even rarely asked at all – what do I need, right now, to calm down?
“It could be silence, a pause, a touch. Or just wait for the discussion to stop”, underlines the psychologist. “On the other hand, waiting for your partner to “guess” our needs is useless. You have to be able to say stop, to go out for a walk, without fear of losing the other person.”
she says.
“These questions don’t make conflicts go away, but they can prevent an argument from becoming irreversible.“, finally concludes the specialist.