While you had promised you never touching the ex of your friend – the famous Jules – You are disarmed in front of his smile (cute). Result: last week, you kissed. A course error to forget … or to continue? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, enlightens us.
Go out with the ex of a friend: a more frequent situation than you think
Fall in love with the ex of a friend seems unthinkable. And yet, this scenario happens more often than you think. At the bend of a simple evening, or following significant events (travel, EVG/EVJF, birth, divorce …) the links can be strengthened, to the point of giving birth to romantic feelings.
Of course, the mixture of emotions makes the situation particularly delicate. On the one hand, this famous ex attracts us, on the other, the fear of injuring his friend, even to betray him, is (very) present. It is a real moral dilemma: follow your heart or preserve your friendship.
However, many experts say that conflicts resulting from this situation (probable in this period of great disorder!) Only occur in the event of poor management of the said attraction. For example, a relationship kept secret or an “impulsive” love act (kissing drunk at 5 am) can generate a feeling of betrayal. Conversely, transparent communication and mutual respect between the 3 protagonists help prevent tensions.
Ultimately, the situation is not forced to turn into drama. It all depends on the depth of the link, the maturity of the people involved and the way in which history is addressed, recalls Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
What to do ultimately? Stop this relationship clearly … or go for it?
If, at first, we could simply answer by yes or no, “The reality is more subtle“Confirms Amélie Boukhobza.
“An ex is not an average person: he is steeped in history, memories, injuries sometimes still open. And if there is one thing that friendship does not like, it is betrayal – or at least the feeling of betrayal”, recalls the expert.
It all depends on temporality, how to announce this attraction and the context.
“If the rupture is recent, painful, if the friend is still suffering, the acting can be experienced as a double loss: losing a love and losing a friend. On the other hand, if time has done their job, if everyone has advanced, this romantic link can become legitimate, without necessarily crushing friendship. Even if it is sometimes difficult to digest … But there, it is more than other things”, admits the psychologist.
The real problem is therefore not so much to “go out with the ex” as to measure the impact of this choice on the relationship of friendship.
“Will the friend be injured? Will feel betrayed? Or is the link solid enough to cash? In reality, there is no universal rule. The only question to ask himself is: What matters most to me? Preserving my friendship or trying this story? The answer is intimate, but it is better to clarify it before the damage is done”, advises the practitioner.
But love strikes where it strikes.
“We do not always decide it … and it is not uncommon for it to be in the nearby circles that he will arise. So, it would not be a question of missing …”, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.