Behind this banal, but ultimately rather contradictory, behavior (I love you but I denigrate you) often hides a complex relational dynamic. Pascal Anger, psychologist, deciphers for True Medical this attitude which can deeply weaken the couple.
A double face difficult to understand
Usually so gentle, your dear one has the nasty habit of criticizing you… in front of your friends. A derogatory attitude, which leaves you perplexed. How can the same person be tender in private and demeaning in public?
If this ambivalence blurs the lines, it actually reflects an unconscious devaluation of the other.
“The person who attacks is often someone who has difficulty accepting the other person’s point of view.“, Pascal Anger explains to us. “She needs to control it, to constantly criticize in order to value herself. She will try to destabilize you, to make you react by pointing out your weaknesses. You have to be careful about this type of behavior, because it can be very toxic.” he warns.
Moreover, humor often serves as an excuse at this precise moment. “Sometimes the situation is presented as humor, and everyone laughs. However, this joke can be hurtful, even mean. There is nothing constructive about laughing at someone else’s expense.“, recalls the expert.
Of course, this functioning does not stop at a few isolated remarks… It is often part of a more global way of entering into a relationship with others: domination then takes precedence over exchange.
Putting others in difficulty to exist
In this situation, “the spouse who criticizes shows an inability to accept his or her mistakes and his or her attitude can put you in difficulty“He doesn’t necessarily want your life, your problems and your “weaknesses” to remain private.”On the contrary, he takes a certain pleasure in making you uncomfortable in front of others, in putting you down in public, and then telling you at home: “But no, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
This gap between actions and words maintains a form of emotional confusion. The targeted person may end up doubting their feelings.
“This is a cruel way of making a fool of yourself. Be careful because this type of person can be toxic, aggressive, manipulative, even perverse. It is important to be responsive, so as not to leave him with a form of omnipotence over you.“, warns the expert.
But that’s not all. Behind this posture, another reality often appears.
“These people have low self-esteem. They need to put you down to gain self-esteem, to make you prey that they can control. They try to keep you in a position of inferiority so that you remain available, like a little puppet.” warns Pascal Anger.
The problem ? Without any reaction from you, this relational mechanism tends to strengthen over time.
“We must therefore say things: “You upset me, you hurt me”. Because if no limits are set, this situation can become a cruel game.” alerts the expert.
Setting limits to preserve the relationship: instructions for use
Faced with this problematic attitude, talking with your partner can only be beneficial. But be careful to choose the moment carefully: according to Pascal Anger, it is preferable to return to this issue calmly, together (after a dinner for example) to avoid an escalation of tensions.
By saying for example: “Last time you told me that, and I didn’t like it at all. That’s why I felt hurt“.
Expressing your feelings allows you to move beyond what is unsaid. “It’s also about setting limits on what you don’t want to expose to others. The sarcasm needs to stop. No one has to suffer, no one has to become the laughing stock of others.” insists the practitioner.
The challenge here is therefore to rebalance your relationships. You must reduce this mode of functioning in your partner and recreate the bond, a form of lightness that brings people together, rather than a dynamic that puts everyone in difficulty. Because the consequences can be dramatic if nothing changes.
“Such a situation can really affect others, leading them towards a form of sadness, or even depression. Ultimately, the couple may find themselves at an impasse. Hence the importance of adjusting communication, of saying things more calmly, with gentleness and respect.” concludes Pascal Anger.