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In psychology, family dynamics are classified according to different parenting styles. The profile of the “controlling” parent is directly related to the so-called authoritarian style.
This operating system is defined by a major imbalance: an extremely high level of expectations and demands, combined with a very low level of human warmth and affectivity. This ultimately impacts the behavior of the individual once they become an adult.
Here are 9 common behaviors that impact adults, according to psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
You prepare absolutely everything in advance
The obsessive need for organization is not always a simple quality of rigor. In adults who grew up with rigid parents, this is more akin to a psychological survival strategy ingrained from an early age.
“Qhen you were raised as a child with an authoritarian parenting style, there is always this question of having to meet expectations and demands. Preparing absolutely everything means being in a matter of anticipation, control, mastery, performance. And it is often reactionary to the expectations, desires and projections of this type of parent.” specifies the psychologist.
This permanent need to mark everything leads to daily mental exhaustion. The expert specifies that this “can sometimes lead to a surge of stress”. We reproduce this pattern because it is the only image of “strength, mastery and resistance” that was valued during our development.
You constantly apologize
Saying sorry for being two minutes late, apologizing for giving your opinion or systematically feeling responsible for someone else’s discomfort is another glaring marker. The child of an authoritarian parent has been conditioned to question himself excessively.
“This type of parent strongly emphasizes the notion of respect and politeness. There is a behavioral requirement towards others.”
If politeness is a virtue, this reflex hides a deep narcissistic flaw here. Aline Nativel Id Hammou emphasizes that this “also sometimes reveals a lack of self-confidence. This type of child will develop the fact that he is always wrong, that he must make amends and be forgiven.”
For what ? Because the strict parent is structurally dissatisfied. The adult then grows up in “a conditioning to given love”, convinced that he must apologize “not to be what they should be and what they should correspond to to meet the expectations of the strict parent”.
You have difficulty expressing your emotions
Does crying in front of someone seem unthinkable to you? Do you find it difficult to verbalize your anger or your sorrows? The strict environment in which you evolved imposed an implicit censorship of affects.
“Most of the time, unfortunately, this type of child will have difficulty freely expressing what he feels, since there is a form of conditioning to be, to react and to feel. Having difficulty expressing oneself means always being afraid of not expressing oneself correctly, of not having the right emotions required, of being off the mark or failing to do so, or also of showing oneself weak in the eyes of the parent.”
This emotional blockage does not mean an absence of sensitivity, but a visceral fear of vulnerability. “There is also often a fear, a fear of appearing vulnerable because we have emotions.“, explains the psychologist. The strict parent instills an erroneous notion of power: “You have to be strong, and being strong means swallowing your emotions, managing them, controlling them, and saying as little as possible.”
You always seek approval from others
Making a decision alone is an ordeal. Whether it is a career choice or a simple purchase, you have a pressing need for the opinion of those around you, your superiors or your partner.
“Given that he must respond to the expectations, the demands, the desires of the parents, this child becomes an adult who constantly awaits a form of validation and parental authorization. He does not want to make a mistake, he wants to please” adds the psychologist.
This behavior betrays a damaged internal compass. Having never been able to experience decision-making autonomy without risking blame, the adult “can indicate a form of lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. He needs the gaze of others, the words of others to underline that he is doing well.”
You are a sickly perfectionist
For you, mediocrity is not an option, and “good” is never “good enough.” This level of tyrannical demands on yourself finds its direct source in your parents’ narcissism.
“The strict parent often strives for an ideal of a perfect child. For what ? Quite simply because the parent, too, needs to be perfect in the education they provide. This type of child will want to be in a form of mastery, control, performance” indicates the psychologist.
This perfectionism is not a healthy ambition, but an anxious driver. The psychologist warns: “Perfectionism often brings a lot of anxiety, fear and creates a form of illusion of mastery, control and anticipation. This requirement becomes a “significant stressor” which poisons romantic and professional relationships.
You are not at all comfortable with the unexpected
A last minute change of plan, a delayed meeting, and there is internal panic. The unknown is perceived as a direct threat to your emotional integrity.
“The unexpected is something risky, dangerous, since we are not in full control. Everything that is unexpected makes you feel uncomfortable because there is a loss of feeling of mastery, of control.” analyzes our expert.
Faced with improvisation, adults find themselves helpless. This discomfort awakens self-doubt, an unbearable feeling. This lack of flexibility is explained by the fact that “these are often children who have grown up very quickly, who have matured very quickly” to the detriment of their carefreeness.
You suffer from diffuse or generalized anxiety
An anxious backstory colors your daily life. You anticipate the worst, imagine disaster scenarios and live with permanent bodily or psychological tension.
“Most of the time, authoritarian parents are parents who suffer from anxiety. They ignore that, their fears or their doubts. They want to be in control and in control.”
Rigid authority instills chronic fear in the child. The expert recalls an essential fact. “Large studies show that approximately a child who has an anxious parent has a 30% chance of reporting anxiety themselves.. This fear of failure and disenchantment crystallizes and affects these people once they become adults.
You have a keen (and overwhelming) sense of responsibility
You take care of other people’s problems, with the role of pillar at work or in your relationship. And you feel guilty as soon as you let go. You function like a “good little soldier”.
“Children who have strict parents will want to be perfect children.. This excessive mental load stems from a stolen childhood. Aline Nativel Id Hammou highlights this painful process: “The sense of responsibility often comes from being taken away from the lightness or innocence of childhood. These children grow up much faster than the others.”
How to grow as an adult?
Realizing that our current behaviors are the remnants of an authoritarian parenting style is the first step towards liberation. Growing up with controlling parents pushes you to lock yourself in the illusion of mastery to ensure the emotional security that was lacking.
To overcome this conditioning, it is essential to gradually allow yourself the right to make mistakes, to welcome your emotions without judgment and to learn to dissociate your own value from your performance.
“Therapeutic work proves valuable here to give back to the miniature adult that you were the space of lightness, spontaneity and benevolence of which he was deprived” concludes the psychologist.