He has his hands in his pockets, a smirk, and says “I did what I could“. You, on the other hand, slept badly all week, checked the baccalaureate’s calendar three times and you are connected 12 times to Pronote. And if, in the end, it was not him, the student, who wore stress … But you? At the time of the results of the baccalaureate or class advice, many parents live the notes of their children as a personal verdict. But where does this invisible weight come? And above all, is it really useful?
Why the academic results are experienced as a parental mirror
The figures speak for themselves: 86 % of parents say they are concerned about their child’s education (Kantar survey, 2020). If this anxiety is manifested, it is often because it goes beyond simple school issues.
“”When a child is in academic difficulty, teachers tend to think that it results from family practices“, explains Gaële Henri-Panabière, mistress of conferences in educational sciences at Paris-Cité University, in the columns of Slate. This perception, anchored in the collective unconscious, makes families bring to mothers, an additional symbolic charge: that of educational success.
A bad note then becomes much more than a figure. It’s a doubt that creeps: what if this 4 in math said something about me? Have I supported enough, accompanied, helped? This emotional transfer, clinical psychologist Johanna Rozenblum regularly observes it: “In the success of our children, there is also a success as parents. It is a form of transfer, driven by a social standard: the child who succeeds in school will succeed in life“.
And this shift, as silent as it is, is formidably guilty.
The obsession of notes, fueled by digital tools
Twenty years ago, the bulletins arrived at the end of the quarter in a sealed envelope. Today, the results fall in real time, directly on the phone screen via Pronote, and are analyzed with a magnifying glass in Parcoursup.
Impossible to miss a note, even involuntarily. This immediacy creates a permanent tension effect, a performance race where each decimal counts for future orientation. Some parents come to consult the averages several times a day. Not by paranoia, but for fear of not “being up to it”.
In this school surveillance, it is no longer just the student who is judged, but the family dynamics as a whole.
For Johanna Rozenblum, this pressure is often internally justified by a benevolent reasoning: “Our requirement is our way of saying: that’s how I prepare your future as best as possible“But this strategy, even full of love, does not take into account the individual reality of the child, his aspirations, his own resources and his own rhythms.
What if we let go… a little?
What specialists recall is that the success of a child does not mechanically reflect the involvement of his parents. A student can flourish far from classic school paths, as he can experience ups and downs without it signing educational failure.
- Children are not dashboards;
- Their results are not a parental CV;
- Their future is not only measured in mentions.
Accept that his child has his own strengths and weaknesses is also recognizing that he will be able to trace his way, with or without the validation of a coefficient 5. Behind each note, there is an individual, not a social projection. And sometimes it is when the parents serve a little the noose, that the child finally finds his own breathing.