At first, sometimes there is nothing very visible. We just think a little more before we speak. We prefer to let a remark slip rather than start an argument. We don’t really ask for comfort anymore. We keep certain concerns to ourselves. Then, gradually, these small adjustments become a way of functioning as a couple. And can ultimately damage it. For what ? Because a couple who no longer trust each other to share their emotions… is a couple in bad shape.
“Emotional security is still the basics of the couple”, explains clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza. It corresponds to the possibility of being yourself in the relationship
“without fear of being humiliated, punished, abandoned or discredited” when we express emotion, disagreement or fragility.
In other words, feeling safe with your partner does not mean living in a conflict-free couple. It’s being able to be vulnerable, say what you think, and move through disagreement without fear that the relationship itself is constantly under threat.
When this security disappears, certain behaviors can then appear.
You think twice before you speak
Sharing an idea, an emotion or even a harmless anecdote should not require calculating in advance your partner’s reaction.
However, when emotional security deteriorates, we can begin to be selective about what we say. We weigh our words, we avoid certain subjects and we systematically ask ourselves if what we are about to say risks provoking a comment, anger or an argument.
“A woman who no longer feels emotionally secure will begin to monitor herself.”confirms Amélie Boukhobza. She can thus “choose your words, avoid certain topics, minimize your emotions or say nothing at all.
Over time, this self-censorship can even end up blurring what we really think or feel.
You constantly monitor your partner’s mood
Is he in a good mood? Is it better to wait before talking to him? Is now the right time to address this issue?
When these questions become ongoing, the relationship can become exhausting. Instead of feeling free to be ourselves, we spend our time anticipating the other’s reaction.
However, for Amélie Boukhobza, this functioning is revealing: “She will constantly anticipate her partner’s possible reactions, walking on eggshells.”.
You prefer to manage everything alone
Being independent is obviously a quality. But never asking your partner for help again can also be a sign that you no longer feel confident enough to rely on them.
We end up saying to ourselves that it is easier to do everything yourself than to ask for something and risk a comment, a refusal or disappointment.
In this case, autonomy is no longer just a choice: it becomes a protection.
You close yourself off as soon as a conflict arises
Disagreements are part of life as a couple. In a secure relationship, everyone must be able to express their dissatisfaction without automatically fearing a breakup, humiliation or a disproportionate reaction.
But when arguments systematically have painful consequences, the reflex can become that of withdrawal: no longer respond, remain silent, avoid discussion or simply wait for the situation to pass. The problem is therefore not necessarily the existence of the conflict. It is the impossibility of crossing it calmly.
“We can get angry and still respect each other”recalls Amélie Boukhobza. We can also recognize that we have hurt our partner, make a mistake and repair it.
You are looking for more support from those around you
Having friends, family or loved ones you can count on is healthy and important, even when you’re in a relationship.
But if you feel more and more the need to turn to them because you can no longer talk to your partner, it is worth questioning yourself.
When communication becomes difficult within the couple, loved ones can then become the only space where we really feel listened to, understood or reassured.
This external network is precious. However, it should not become the only place where it is possible to place your emotions.
You no longer ask for reassurance
Needing occasional reassurance from your partner is perfectly normal. In a secure relationship, each person can express a doubt or a concern and expect a kind response from the other.
But what happens when requests for reassurance are systematically met with annoyance or rejection?
We may end up not asking for anything at all. Not because we no longer need to be reassured, but because we have understood that this request will not be heard. This is an important difference: silence does not always mean the need has gone. It can simply mean that we no longer believe we can express it.
You keep your problems to yourself
You have had a bad day, something is worrying you or a situation in your relationship is causing you pain, but you don’t talk about it.
When this becomes a habit, emotional security can be seriously undermined.
A relationship should allow you to talk about your difficulties without fear of being judged or ridiculed. For Amélie Boukhobza, the question is then to look at what the partner does with this word.
“Does he listen? Does he seek to understand? Does he acknowledge his part? Does anything concretely change after the discussion?”
It is these reactions, more than the beautiful promises, which allow us to know whether dialogue is still possible.
You control your emotions so as not to provoke a reaction
You want to cry, scream, laugh, or just say that something hurt you, but you hold back.
You have learned to keep a neutral expression, to minimize your reactions and not to show too much how you feel. This permanent control can be a way of protecting yourself when you fear your partner’s reaction.
Over time, however, she can give the impression of being disconnected from her own emotions. “She may begin to no longer know what she really thinks“, observes the psychologist.
You feel less and less inclined to show affection
Tender gestures, signs of attention or simply the desire to get closer to the other can disappear when trust and the feeling of security crumble.
This withdrawal can then be interpreted as a lack of love or interest. But it can also be a consequence of the relationship itself: it is difficult to be vulnerable and affectionate when you no longer feel safe.
So this is not necessarily a sign that the feelings have disappeared. It can also reflect a form of protection.
When emotional security cracks, what to do?
Fortunately, recognizing these behaviors does not automatically mean the couple is doomed. A difficult period, an injury that has never been repaired or a particular conflict can temporarily weaken the relationship.
So the first step is to try to understand what has gone wrong. But talking is not always enough. You also need to observe what happens after the discussion.
If the partner listens, seeks to understand, recognizes their wrongs and agrees to concretely modify certain behaviors, the relationship can gradually regain security.
Conversely, if every attempt at dialogue turns into an accusation, if emotions are systematically ridiculed or if you are repeatedly told that you are “too sensitive”, “crazy” or responsible for all the problems, the situation deserves special attention.
Emotional security can in fact be damaged by repeated sarcasm, punitive silences, broken promises, lies or even constantly devalued emotions.
Couples therapy may help when both partners recognize the difficulty and really want to change the way they function. But in the presence of violence, threats, intimidation, control or influence, the priority is different: to protect yourself and seek support outside the couple.
There is therefore no universal answer between “we must speak” and “we must leave”. But a guideline can help:A relationship can get through a crisis if everyone can still speak, be heard and participate in repair“, summarizes Amélie Boukhobza.