When the cheater is caught red-handed, certain phrases almost always come up. Here they are, deciphered by our psychologist, Amélie Boukhobza.
“It’s not what you think.”
This is probably the worst excuse ever. Devoid of any solid argument, the infidel here attempts a final pirouette: “No, it’s not what you think“However, you are not blind, and her nocturnal meeting at 4:00 a.m. at the neighbor’s house was nothing like a children’s snack.
“In consultation, I often hear this phrase. The unfaithful person is trying to introduce vagueness here, to gain a few seconds. To delay the collapse”, says Amélie Boukhobza.
“That night meant nothing”
Even if for your partner, this moment was “insignificant“, for you, it’s quite the opposite.
“The person who cheats here dissociates the act from the affect. As if the body could act without consequences”, analyzes the practitioner.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
As if that evening, he had thought of you. To not hurt yourself, to spare yourself. In reality, deception is rarely accompanied at the moment by remorse or regret. These feelings come later.
“We oppose intention to impact. As if the absence of intention canceled the injury“, comments the expert.
“It was just a mistake”
A simple “error” which nevertheless risks costing him dearly.
“The word error evokes an accident. However, infidelity is rarely a pure chance. It is part of a dynamic”,
says the specialist.
“I felt alone”
For once, the argument is almost valid. Although… you’re still home every night. Or act as a green plant!
“Betrayal here becomes a response to a lack”, reveals the psychologist. Whereas it might have simply been enough to tell the other person beforehand that we needed affection.
“I love you, but that has nothing to do with it”
If the desire “is the very essence of man“according to the philosopher Spinoza, through love, it remains possible to temper one’s impulses.
“With this sentence, the infidel compartmentalizes. He tries to separate love and desire like two lines that do not cross,”
analyzes the practitioner for her part.
“I don’t know why I did that.”
Here, the excuse is almost understandable: the motivations of the person who cheated may be vague, or even unknown. He may wonder what was the trigger, what made him slip…
“Sometimes this is sincere. The act reveals an internal conflict that the person himself has not put into words,” admits Amélie Boukhobza.
“It has nothing to do with you.”
Certainly. Except that it’s impossible for you not to question yourself: if he had desire for you, he probably wouldn’t have looked elsewhere.
“It is a paradoxical sentence. Because for the one who is deceived, everything seems to have precisely to do with him”,
indicates the expert.
According to the psychologist, these sentences all have one thing in common: they seek to contain the narcissistic collapse of the other.
“They also serve to protect those who have “mistaken”, to limit their guilt, to preserve an image of themselves that is still more or less bearable.“, concludes Amélie Boukhobza.