The deception took place, the trust was shaken, but the couple decided to continue. While this stage often marks a surge of hope, it is also accompanied by many emotional pitfalls. “When a couple decides to stay together after infidelity, they often do so with a lot of hope… but also with strategies that, unwittingly, prevent reconstruction.“, explains Mathilde Defer, clinical psychologist, couples therapist and author of the podcast Couples in therapyon his Instagram account. Here are the five most common mistakes to avoid in order to hope to make lasting progress.
Wanting to go too fast… or not changing anything
There is a great temptation to want to “turn the page” quickly after infidelity: to stop talking about it, to pretend that nothing had happened and to plan again. A common error, according to the specialist. This forced silence often acts as a lid placed on undigested emotions, ready to resurface later in the form of resentment or distrust.
Another illusion: believing that confidence will return naturally over time. “Trust is actively rebuilt, through consistent actions, reliability, transparency… and real relational work“, recalls Mathilde Defer. Without concrete changes, the couple risks remaining frozen in the initial wound.
Confusing security and control
After a deception, the fear of reliving the same situation can become overwhelming. Checking the other person’s phone, monitoring their actions or asking questions over and over sometimes gives the illusion of regaining control. But this reflex can quickly become toxic for the relationship.
“These are survival strategies, not long-term solutions“, underlines the psychologist. Through too much control, the relationship withers, stifled by permanent suspicion. The challenge lies elsewhere: learning to soothe your anxieties, strengthen your internal security and rebuild a bond based on trust rather than surveillance.
Thinking that reconstruction only concerns one of the two
Last major mistake: banking everything on the efforts of the unfaithful partner. The deceived person may feel that the other person must “fix everything” alone, since he or she is responsible for the betrayal. However, if the fault is individual, the reconstruction is collective.
“Responsibility for betrayal is individual, but reconstruction is a joint job, when the couple chooses to stay“, insists Mathilde Defer. This also involves asking yourself an essential question: why stay together? Without this honest assessment – sometimes accompanied by couples therapy – the risk is to continue out of habit or out of fear, rather than through an informed choice.