Earthquake in the family model. While all your family references seemed solidly anchored, your father (or your mother) suddenly decided to disrupt this balance and start a new life, for reasons that are his own. If the pill is not always easy to swallow – even if it is a strictly personal choice – the next step can prove even more delicate: when this parent expects you to welcome their new companion without reservation.
Do we necessarily have to accept a situation that we did not choose to preserve family harmony? Or can this membership not be imposed?
Even as an adult, the separation of your parents can be a shock
We often imagine that parental separation mainly affects young children. However, when a couple separates after several decades of living together, the shock wave can be just as significant for children who have become adults.
“Often, we tend to minimize the experience of adult children when there is a separation from their own parents. However, this can have a strong emotional, cognitive and psychological impact“, underlines Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
The older the parents get, the more their children may have internalized the idea that they will stay together all their lives. The rupture then shakes deeply anchored benchmarks.
“Most children never imagine the marital separation of their parents. They are secure in this parental and marital couple. It is often a form of collapse, since the family will no longer be the same“, explains the psychologist.
Beyond the separation itself, family traditions, celebrations, habits and rituals are also called into question.
Why is the new spouse sometimes so difficult to accept?
In certain situations, particularly when separation follows infidelity, children can experience a strong feeling of betrayal.
“There can be a lot of anger, sadness and incomprehension. Children may feel a form of disillusionment with their parent, with confusion between the man or woman he or she is and the parent he or she has always been“, details Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
There is often added a powerful feeling of loyalty towards the left parent, particularly when the parent is elderly.
“There can be very strong fears regarding the parent who finds themselves alone, especially when they are getting older. Children may feel abandoned and worry about their ability to rebuild their lives.“, she continues.
This loyalty can then make it particularly difficult to welcome into the family the person sometimes perceived, rightly or wrongly, as responsible for the breakup of the couple.
Do you have to accept your parent’s new companion?
But then, are we required to make an effort towards this or that newcomer? The answer is no: you cannot force a child, even an adult, to appreciate or love his father or mother’s new partner.
On the other hand, accepting the reality of the situation is often a necessary step to preserve family ties.
“Acceptance may take time. We are in a dynamic of mourning: the mourning of the family as it existed before, but sometimes also that of the relationship with one’s parent, which will no longer be exactly the same.“, explains the psychologist.
Initially, many adult children go through more of a phase of resignation than of true acceptance.
“Either way, it remains the parent’s life. We don’t have to dictate our life choices. But acceptance is built gradually, over time, through exchanges and new relationships that are created.“, she explains.
Should we make room for the newcomer?
Again, no universal rule exists.
The integration of a new companion into the family sphere depends on many factors: the circumstances of the separation, the quality of family ties before the breakup, the emotional state of the left parent, but also the personality of each person.
“You have to give time. You can’t force yourself to love someone. On the other hand, everyone can make efforts to build a stable and healthy relationship“, estimates Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
In some siblings, not all children react in the same way. Some will quickly accept this new family configuration, while others will need more distance.
“There can be significant differences within the same siblings. It all depends on the quality of the bonds built with each parent, but also on the personal history of each child.“, underlines the psychologist.
Accepting is not betraying
For adult children, one of the major challenges often remains to overcome the conflict of loyalties that opposes them internally.
It must also be said: agreeing to meet, or even appreciate, the new partner of your father or mother does not necessarily mean betraying the other parent.
Conversely, a parent who is rebuilding their life must also hear that their children need time.
“Even adults, they remain children, with their family history, their emotions and their attachment to their parents. It is neither simple nor obvious to include a third party in a family dynamic that has just been profoundly disrupted“, concludes Aline Nativel Id Hammou.
In these situations, patience, dialogue and respect for each person’s rhythm often remain the best allies in rebuilding, little by little, a new family balance.