In their forties or fifties, some people suddenly decide to reveal a truth that they have always carried within them. Often perceived as a sudden turning point, late coming out is in reality the culmination of a long, intimate journey, fueled by doubts and a long-delayed quest for oneself. Gianpaolo Furgiuele, sexologist in Nice and author, explains why coming out can come late, and what is at stake at this decisive moment.
Why do some people come out late?
For Gianpaolo Furgiuele, nothing alone explains this shift. He recalls that many grew up in an atmosphere where the simple word seemed forbidden. As he describes it, “Late coming out is rarely explained by a single factor. Many people grew up in environments where the word ‘homosexuality’ could not be said. They have built their lives around this silence, sometimes to protect themselves, sometimes to correspond to family or social expectations.“.
This shell shaped by what is left unsaid ends up cracking with age. The sexologist observes that a moment of truth often arises when responsibilities evolve or events put everything into perspective. He thus emphasizes that “at 40 or 50, something changes. Children grow up, separations call identity into question, a bereavement or a significant event can question the life lived.“. This is how little by little, an inner work takes place, often discreet, sometimes painful. Gianpaolo Furgiuele explains that “coming out late is the result of long inner work. This is often the moment when the person allows themselves, for the first time, to experience a truth that they have always carried.“.
The immense challenges after the announcement
Behind the liberation that this late unveiling brings, many emotions can arise. The sexologist observes that the first shock often comes from a harsh look at oneself and one’s own past. “The first shock is the guilt: having ‘waited too long’, having lived a life that did not correspond to one’s desires, sometimes having built a family in a role that was not one’s“.
Indeed, the fear of upsetting the family balance is never far away. The sexologist evokes a persistent concern: “Then comes the fear of losing ties, of disappointing, of disrupting family balance.“. This apprehension is often amplified by the impression of entering a world whose standards we do not yet know. He also notes that “many also experience a feeling of loneliness, because they enter a community whose codes they do not yet master“.
“Affectively, there can be a dual reality: on the one hand, guilt or the fear of hurting those around you; on the other, a feeling of rebirth“.
For many, this transformation opens a new page where everything seems to be rediscovered, with the enthusiasm of the new but also the fear of moving forward blindly, without reference points. The sexologist insists: “We start almost from scratch, with the excitement of discovery but also the vulnerability of a beginner“.
An intimacy to (re)invent…
The body itself must relearn how to express itself differently. The sexologist recalls that “sexually, it takes time to tame a new body language and pleasure“For those who discover or reveal themselves late, intimacy often involves an exploration of a new emotional and sexual universe, often previously inaccessible, including “many discover codes and practices that differ from what they have known until then“.
“It takes time to reinvent your emotional and sexual life. Explore, meet, understand the codes of a culture to which we had no access“.
And this period corresponds to a real reconstruction. He recalls that, for many, the previous years were marked by adaptation to sexuality, sometimes at the cost of a form of self-forgetfulness. Hence this observation: “On an intimate level, the challenge consists of rebuilding sexuality after years spent adapting. It’s a process that takes time and kindness towards yourself.“.
How to best support this transition
For this moment to become a peaceful transition, the expert insists on the need to restore a positive meaning to this stage. Appropriate support can help the person get out of a negative vision linked to this choice: “The first step is to restore meaning to this moment. We help the person to understand that they are not ‘destroying’ their life. She puts it back in truth“. Creating a space where speech circulates freely also helps reduce fears.
“Being able to speak, to be listened to without judgment, to find a space of emotional security helps to alleviate fears and guilt“.
When stable ground emerges, this stage can become a deeply living turning point. As he says, “when these conditions are met, this moment becomes a true rebirth, an exit towards a more living and assumed desire“.
Beware of the injunction to come out
The sexologist nevertheless wishes to point out that this approach should never be seen as a social or militant obligation.
In our societies, even the notion of coming out can become an obligatory step that we must be wary of. He observes that “we often forget that even the idea of ’coming out’ can become an injunction. As if one necessarily had to declare oneself, tell oneself, justify oneself in order to be legitimate“.
The essential lies elsewhere: “The important thing is not to conform to a standard – even a positive one – but to feel aligned with your own desire“, concludes Gianpaolo Furgiuele.