People might like you more than you think…
“What does he think of me?“, “Do I talk a lot?“… These are often questions that cross our minds after meeting new people. We know that conversations can be anxiety-provoking or even intimidating, which leads us to fear what people may think of us. Result: we believe that we have been unpleasant when that is far from being the reality.
If you have already been in this situation, know that it has a name, it is the “liking gap” (“appreciation gap” in French). As its name suggests, this refers to the gap between the image you think you have sent and that received by your interlocutor. This mechanism, more common than we think, distorts the perception that others may have of us. Because yes, people might like you more than you think.
We are our own worst critics
Recently popularized by the social network TikTok, the “liking gap” is the subject of several videos, such as those by Internet user Dellara. The young woman explains that we are actually our own worst critics. In the comments, the “liking gap” seems to be familiar to the majority of Internet users. One of them comments: “I’m constantly worried that my friends will hate me, so that’s good to know“. Or again: “I’m so surprised when my friends like me“. And it would be a social phenomenon which is based on academic research according to the tiktoker.
Indeed, a 2018 study published in the journal Psychological Science demonstrated that in all our social interactions, we have an unfortunate tendency to underestimate the extent to which others appreciate us. It was from several scenarios between university students that the researchers were able to make their observations. For example, when strangers get to know each other in a laboratory, when freshmen get to know their roommates, or when strangers meet in a workshop. In each group, participants were asked how much they liked the person they were getting to know and how much they thought the other person liked them. The study raised several interesting points. The participants very often had “remarkably negative internal monologues” where they made their own assumptions about what others perceived of them. They also doubted their ability to carry on an interesting or pleasant conversation, even if the person in front of them smiled. Ultimately, the “liking gap” exists mainly because we cannot simply ask people if they liked us at the end of a conversation. Lack of self-confidence is largely due to this embarrassment. And it is a phenomenon that develops during childhood.
The Linking gap, unknown in children
In 2021, another research study studied how the “liking gap” manifests itself in children over five years old. Research has found that the appreciation gap grows as it grows. It becomes more important over the years, especially when the child becomes concerned about his own reputation. “Very young children don’t really think about whether another person likes them, they don’t care about their reputation. But as that voice becomes more concerned with reputation, the appreciation gap begins to show“, Dr. Gus Cooney, a psychologist specializing in social interactions, tells Vice.
But rest assured, it’s a feeling that disappears with time. In the case of the 2018 study, we learn that the more we get to know a person, the more the gap in appreciation decreases. Indeed, it is by building relationships that we become more comfortable and thus less likely to pay attention to that little voice that makes us think we are unpleasant. It just goes to show that you have to go through certain moods to feel comfortable with yourself and with others.