What is limerence?
Described for the first time in 1979 by the American psychologist Dorothy Tenov in her work Love and Limerence – the Experience of Being in Lovelimerence is a psychological state where love turns into obsession. Often compared to an addiction, this “love disease” pushes a person to center all their thoughts and emotions around their loved one. This excessive fixation causes emotional ups and downs and can persist, even if broken.
Véronique Kohn, psychologist and psychotherapist, explains: “Limerence is an uncontrollable, repetitive thought that revolves around the partner. It monopolizes our life to the point of becoming an invasion.”
Symptoms of obsessive love
Limerence is distinguished from a romantic passion by very specific characteristics:
- Intrusive and repetitive thoughts: the loved one becomes an obsession. All his gestures, words or silences are overinterpreted;
- Extreme emotions: intense joy when the feelings seem reciprocal, despair and anguish in the event of rejection;
- A constant search for reciprocity: the need to be reassured about the love of others becomes overwhelming;
- An idealization: the other is perceived as perfect and irreproachable… or conversely, blamed for all evils in the event of disappointment;
- A quest for proximity: being near the other soothes anxieties, but only temporarily;
- A fear of abandonment: the mere idea of losing the attention or affection of your loved one triggers deep anxiety.
Why do we become “limerant”?
This phenomenon is often linked to buried psychological wounds. “Limerence refers to psycho-emotional trauma from childhood, such as rejection or abandonment“, underlines Véronique Kohn. These unconscious fears make the person emotionally dependent, incapable of detachment, and weaken romantic relationships.
Women are more often affected by limerence, although men are not spared. It can also become a repetitive pattern, from relationship to relationship.
What impact on relationships?
Due to this obsession, the relationship becomes unbalanced and stifling. Expectations, often unrealistic, lead to conflicts. “Reproaches, frustrations and emotional dependence end up weakening the couple“, explains the psychologist. This behavior can even generate a relationship of dominance and submission, where the person looking for love constantly adapts for fear of losing their partner.
In the event of a breakup or rejection, limerence can lead to phases of intense grief or even depression.
How to get out of limerence?
Although it is not an irreversible disorder, getting out of this mode of functioning takes time and effort. Here are some keys proposed by Véronique Kohn:
- Recognize the problem: Accepting your condition is the first step toward healing.
- Healing past wounds: identify and treat underlying emotional trauma.
- Take some distance: reduce interactions with your loved one to regain emotional clarity.
- Bringing your thoughts back to reality: avoid fantasized scenarios and focus on concrete facts.
- Reconnect with yourself: practice personal activities and strengthen your self-esteem.
- Diversify your social relationships: expand your circle to reduce emotional dependence.
- Meditate: mindfulness helps calm obsessive thoughts.
- Show patience: understand that healing is a gradual process.
When to consult a therapist?
If this emotional state becomes too overwhelming and affects daily life, it is essential to seek help. “Therapies, readings on emotional dependence or discussion groups can be of great support“, concludes Véronique Kohn.