It’s him! (Or her!) Since you started conversing, every text message, every emoji, even before you’ve met the person, screams to you that you might have unearthed the rare gem. Love at first sight? (or at the first message?) Possible. But be careful, very often, what looks like romanticism hides another reality: that of an emotional excitement fueled by the fear of abandonment, the need to be validated, or the fear of loneliness. Result: stories that burn before they even have time to be born.
An era that values great instant love
It must be said that our era loves strong emotions. Dating apps, series and social networks have convinced us that a simple look can change everything. So when a spark occurs, some cling to it as a promise of happiness. “It’s my turn!” your heart tells you.
However, this dazzling momentum is often based on a mechanism of idealization: we project onto others what we hope to fulfill within ourselves. The other is not yet known and is already becoming an imaginary refuge. And no, it’s not uncommon. According to a 2024 Ifop survey, 61% of singles admit to having already fallen in love with someone even before a second date. Love today moves faster than reason.
Social networks, fuel of fantasy
Instagram, TikTok, dating apps do nothing to calm things down… Everything contributes to amplifying the dizziness of love. We compare our beginnings to perfect stories, we watch for a like as a sign of destiny, a story view as an implicit declaration. This constant flow of images and stimulation maintains the illusion that there is always “better elsewhere”.
The wait then becomes unbearable, the uncertainty intolerable. And reality no longer even has time to exist.
When waiting turns into obsession
But if a little romanticism in everyday life doesn’t do much harm, it can become problematic when it turns into obsession. A mixture of euphoria and anxiety where we only think about each other, to the point of losing sleep and concentration. Each “seen” becomes a proof of love… or a threat of abandonment. A state that has a name: limerence.
However, limerence is a trap for anxious people. The research of Journal of Social & Personal Relationships (2023) show that people with anxious attachment are 2.5 times more likely to develop these obsessive thoughts early in a relationship. They seek to secure the link before it even really exists. And sometimes find themselves affected more than necessary when the story ultimately does not take hold. According to a Tinder survey (2024), almost one in two users admit to having already suffered from insomnia or loss of concentration due to a relationship that has barely started.
Sophie, 32, testifies: “After a first dinner, I spent the night imagining our life. I reread each message, I talked about it to my friends. When he didn’t respond for a day, I felt like I was going to collapse.”
Learning to slow down the heart can be learned
Fortunately, it is possible to escape this spiral. A few simple actions can help prevent excessive overwhelm:
- Become aware of the mechanism : understand that we sometimes fall in love with a projection more than with a person;
- Slow down on purpose : do not overanalyze each message, avoid planning the future after two meetings;
- Reconnect with yourself : keep time for friends, hobbies, personal space;
- Explore your attachment style : understanding your fear of abandonment is already defusing it;
- Ask for help if needed : cognitive therapy or psychological support can help regulate intrusive thoughts.
To love without haste is also to love strongly
Excited love is not a fault. But often a cry from the heart, or rather an inner cry, says Christian Richomme “Love me quickly, reassure me right away.” But the more we give in to this urgency, the more we risk stifling the budding relationship. A good reason to take your time, together. “To love is to accept the unknown of the other and the time of the encounter. Rushing love often means wanting to fill your own gaps more than discovering the other” concludes the expert.