The more your relationship advances, the more you feel like you are under control and no longer have access to your own emotions? You are undoubtedly in the grip of a manipulative person in your life. And to that, you are probably neither the first (e) nor the last (e). But if this feeling is tapping you it is that it is time to react.
Manipulative personality: it can happen to you too
According to Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst, no one is completely safe from falling into the nets of a manipulator: “It is a link that captures us, seduces us, then damages us … without us immediately understanding what is happening.” It is therefore neither a question of weakness nor naivety, but rather of a well -established scenario, based on subtle and destructive dynamics.
Behind these behaviors, we often find injured terrain: fear of abandonment, need for control, inability to clearly formulate your needs, or even early injuries linked to conditional love. Elements that push certain individuals to distort reality, reverse roles or play on guilt to keep the ascendant. And it can even be attractive … a time.
Can we reason with a manipulator?
No, and it is even the first trap to avoid. This is what Johanna Rozenblum, clinical psychologist in a previous article said. “These people have such esteem of themselves that introspection, criticism, questioning are impossible for them to hope, convincing them, or finding the charming person they seemed to be at the beginning … It is maintaining a painful illusion.”
In itself, the manipulator wears a mask, skillfully shaped to seduce. Trying to confront him, with rational or emotional arguments, only exposes you more to his reversals and his psychological games.
The 3 flaws to exploit to take over
Even if the manipulative person seems to always have one step ahead, however, he is not invincible. Some of its faults can become supporting points to free you (and not to reason) according to Christian Richomme.
1. Lack of attention
These profiles often depend on the other. Reducing the attention to them, no longer nourishing their ego or their need for approval, can unravel them and weaken their control.
2. The emotional withdrawal
The manipulator acts intermittently: a reward phase (affection, compliments), followed by a punishment phase (silence, reproaches). It is intermittent emotional strengthening. To counter it is no longer waiting for recognition, cutting the emotional wait, or even establishing a form of “no contact”.
3. Strategic passivity
Faced with his attacks, responding with indifference, a form of vagueness or passive irony, can defuse his grip. He is looking for an emotional reaction. Not to give it to him is to deprive him of his playground.
These concrete ways to protect you on a daily basis
Getting out of the grip is also taking concrete acts. Here are the strategies recommended by Johanna Rozenblum:
- Hide your emotions : Avoid showing your feelings to the person concerned. “”We forget the moods, and we try to be as neutral as possible“, Advises the psychologist. It is a way to close access to your vulnerabilities.
- Protect your privacy : No longer share personal information, especially in a professional setting. The manipulator uses everything you entrust to him as boomerangs.
- Answer a sterile question : Faced with a provocation, answer with a pirouette. Example : “I knew you more inspired than that, right?“. A way of not giving anything to exploit, while ending the exchange.
- Refuse “reasonable” requests : “We should talk“,”Don’t you want us to settle it calmly?“: These attempts are often trapped. Do not go into the game. Cut short, even if it goes against your natural need for dialogue.
- Find a rescue way: Ideal? Take distance. Whether through a therapist, your loved ones or a frame of frame. “It is essential to put yourself at a distance from these personalities who are not likely to conduct introspection”, underlines the psychologist.
In summary: Rollume your own light
Getting out of the grip of a manipulator is therefore not “winning against him”, but finding his hand on your own story, as Christian Richomme beautifully says. It starts by appointing what you are going through, talking about it, and coming back to you. No, the grip is not a dead end prison. It’s a fog. And you have the right to find your clarity.