Talking about money remains taboo in some couples. However, if certain expenses are perceived as legitimate by one person, they can trigger anger, reproaches or suspicion in another. At this point, be careful: as psychologist Siyana Mincheva reminds us, “a healthy life as a couple is based above all on respect and trust.”. If your partner no longer respects you when you bring up this subject, this should ring a red flag for your relationship.
Slumpiness, control or fear of lack?
How can we explain this type of reaction when it comes to money? According to our expert, several mechanisms come into play.If a man is very angry because his partner is spending too much money, this may be a sign of controlling behavior or a stingy temperament.” first of all indicates our expert.
But we also need to put things in context. “If the spouse spends excessively or touches the joint account without consultation, the partner can legitimately ask for explanations” also recalls Siyana Mincheva.
“And conversely, when the woman has her own income and her partner blames her for any personal expenses, the line between worry and control becomes blurred”. In reality, everything depends on the relationship between the two partners.
“In any case, it is important to know the limits and respect them, because the opposite generates other tensions in the couple, which can destroy them.” warns the psychologist.
The hidden origin: fear of lack
How can we explain this type of reaction? Often, these tensions around money find their source much earlier in life. This fear, sometimes unconscious, is anchored from childhood. Growing up in an environment where money was scarce or a source of stress can leave a lasting mark.
This causes some adults to develop an obsession with control, even when they lack nothing.
“To understand yourself and find the origin of this fear of lack, it requires work and a good basis for introspection. adds the psychologist. “And often, the couple must then begin work with a therapist to understand the impact of these fears on the relationship.”
How to get out of control and find balance
If one partner seeks to control everything, the other may end up feeling trapped, infantilized or guilty for every expense. To get out of this dynamic, dialogue is also essential.
“The solution is to talk about money together, regularly. This discussion naturally encourages you to discuss your financial situation, your priorities and your projects.
advises our expert.
It is therefore not so much money that poses a problem as what it symbolizes: loyalty, security or even recognition within the couple. And for this to work, the best is to have
“the certainty that your partner manages his assets adequately and that he adheres to the same values as you in his financial decisions”, concludes the psychologist.
Coming back to the subject regularly therefore helps to avoid misunderstandings and to adjust decisions to the evolution of the couple. Because everything changes over time, and it’s normal to redefine the rules together.
And above all, it allows us to remember that money is not the only issue: it is firstly about rebuilding the trust and stability on which the relationship is based.