There are subjects that we would prefer never to discuss as a family. The love life – and even more sexual life – of our parents is clearly part of this. However, after a separation or at certain times in life, it happens that the benchmarks shift… and that we find ourselves witnessing things that we didn’t really want to see. How can we best manage the situation? And what to say to her father/mother when she has a relationship? Wise advice from Pascal Anger, psychologist.
Chaining conquests: why is this way of doing things so disturbing?
In the collective (and psychological) imagination, parents occupy a very special place. We associate them with stability, protection… but much less with seduction or sex life.
“We don’t want to know about our parents’ sex lives. In a way, that makes us complicit, and that’s not a comfortable place to be. We don’t want to see them as seductive: we perceive them more as asexual people.” analyzes Pascal Anger.
This need for distance is, of course, not a whim. It allows us to maintain a healthy psychological boundary: without it, roles become blurred… and discomfort sets in.
When certain situations become difficult to live with
The uneasiness can be even stronger when the relationships between his father/mother seem to follow one another without continuity (one lost, ten found, they claim). However, we may have the impression of witnessing something here that we do not understand (who is this relative that I do not know?).
“Getting involved in a story that we know in advance will have no future, and being complicit in it, can be experienced as a form of violence for the child, even as an adult. This can leave a mark, a discomfort that is difficult to name. Hence the importance of not doing things haphazardly.” recalls Pascal Anger.
Because yes, witnessing the emotional and sexual liberation of your parent can be akin to a form of violence. As if we were being dragged into a reality that was not ours.
A question of model… and benchmarks
If a parent’s romantic situation is so shocking, the family model in which we grew up plays a significant role. Some children grow up in environments that are very open about emotional and sexual issues, others in more… traditional settings.
“If parents have always had a freer, more open approach to these questions, the child can grow up with a certain tolerance. Conversely, in a more classic model, it can be shocking to imagine a parent who is very free in their sexuality. Is it positive or not? Is this acceptable? If this bothers you, you should not brush this feeling aside“, admits the practitioner.
Because our emotions always deserve to be taken seriously.
Behind the embarrassment: a need for security
Often, the discomfort is not only moral or cultural. It touches on something deeper: the need to feel secure in the bond with one’s parent.
Indeed, when relationships seem unstable or repetitive, this can generate a form of insecurity (“Is he/she okay? Is he/she suffering? Is he/she alone after all?”).
“What we perceive can prevent us from feeling calm and reassured. We may then need to talk about it, to express what worries us. The parent can also say where they are, without revealing everything, but by providing benchmarks. It’s not only a question of security, but also of attachment: what makes our parent unable to become attached to someone?“, specifies the psychologist.
A sometimes destabilizing mirror effect
Finally, what our parents experience can resonate with our own history. Their choices, their difficulties or their way of loving can echo our own questions.
“It questions our own relationship to love and sexuality, like a mirror, and that’s why it’s complicated. We can say to him: “I’m worried. What are you looking for? What are your constraints? What is causing you difficulty in these relationships, and which also ends up disturbing me?” Here we touch on something intimate, emotional.“
This mirror can be enriching… but also confusing. Faced with this type of situation, the temptation to open a dialogue can be great. And that’s often a good idea — as long as you stay in your place. “We always remain the child of our parent, whatever their age. We therefore do not have to become his confidant on these subjects. Also pay attention to the words chosen, on both sides“, recalls Pascal Anger.
The idea here is not to judge or analyze your parent… but simply to express discomfort, a limit, a need.
Finding the right distance: instructions for use
If there is no “ideal” reaction to your parent/child, you will have understood: nuance is essential.
“Besides, it also depends on the children: some can hear these things, others not. Age, personal situation, the context of separation (adultery, conflicts, etc.) play a big role. continues the expert.
In some cases, it can even be useful to get help to put into words what you feel. “It’s about thinking together about what’s happening, knowing where everyone stands, to avoid hurting or shocking unnecessarily.”
continues the psychologist.
Ultimately, when faced with your parents’ love life, it is not always easy to feel comfortable or in your place. But one thing is certain: setting limits, expressing your feelings and maintaining a certain distance… it is neither selfish nor exaggerated. It’s simply taking care of your balance.