Your parents check in on your cat, your friends… but never ask you about your relationship, your plans or how you really feel. However, over time, this silence can become heavy. Should we see this as a form of modesty or, on the contrary, a sign of a lack of interest? The answer is often more nuanced than it seems. Clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza deciphers the reasons that can explain this distance and the best way to respond to it.
Not all parents experience intimacy in the same way
According to the psychologist, not asking questions is not necessarily synonymous with indifference. For some parents, being interested in their adult child’s private life has simply never been part of their way of loving.
“It’s hard… but it’s also difficult to know how to position yourself as a parent. There are some who ask for everything. And others… nothing. This can give rise to a question: are they being modest… or are they just not interested in me? Except that it’s not always that simple…”indicates the expert.
This restraint often finds its origin in family history. When you grew up in an environment where emotions and personal life remained behind closed doors, it is difficult to change how you operate.
“Some parents grew up in families where intimate matters were not discussed. Asking questions could be seen as indiscretion. They love their children, but do not know how to enter their lives. For fear of being awkward, intrusive or invasive”confides the practitioner.
In other words, silence does not always reflect a lack of love. It may also reflect difficulty finding the right distance.
When everyone waits for the other to take the first step
Unsurprisingly, misunderstandings can quickly accumulate between parents and adult children.
“Some parents think that an adult will talk about them if they feel the need. So they wait… while their child waits exactly the opposite”warns the specialist.
The problem ? This lag can last for years. The child interprets the absence of questions as disinterest, while the parent considers himself to be showing sensitivity by not being too curious. But this explanation does not apply to all situations.
“Self-centered” parents also exist
Some parents are so absorbed by their own concerns that they really struggle to take an interest in their child’s experience. They prefer to talk about their plants than the atmosphere at work or their grandson’s schooling.
“These parents never really take the time to be interested in what their child is going through. And yes, this can be experienced as a real emotional lack”confirms Amélie Boukhobza.
What hurts is not always silence
Over time, this lack of questions can end up weakening one’s self-esteem (“I must not be that important”; “What I’m experiencing doesn’t interest anyone”).
“Deep down, the most painful thing is often less the absence of questions than what we end up projecting onto them”underlines the clinical psychologist.
To get out of this impasse, think about expressing your needs… rather than hoping that the other person will guess it. “Should we continue to wait? Yes, if we dare to put it into words. Say for example: ‘I would like you to ask me more questions about my life’advises the expert.
And if nothing changes, sometimes you have to accept a more difficult reality.
“Some parents will never be curious or will never have that emotional availability that we have hoped for for years. Which does not mean giving up on your parents. Just giving up expecting from them what they may not be able to give”concludes Amélie Boukhobza.