While you were so proud of your 25 years of marriage, your other half, the loved one of your heart, now appears like a parasite: present but insignificant, falsely funny, full of little jokes that annoy you. How did you get there? And above all, what to do, what to say, when your feelings have disappeared? Pascal Anger, psychologist, guides us.
Over time, feelings change
First important point: it is normal (even common) for initial passion to fade over time.
“The admiration of others, the enthusiasm of the beginnings, everything that made us vibrate seems less intense. And this is completely normal: we all go through periods where we feel more or less in love,” analyzes Pascal Anger.
In these moments, it is essential to (re)ask ourselves different questions: what made us want to become a couple? What brought us together in the first place? Then to question the current situation: why are we still together?
Once this has been clarified, do not rush to your partner to tell them “nothing is going well” or “I don’t love you anymore” (too brutal).
“You must first ask yourself, in complete honesty, whether you still have an interest in others, in particular by observing whether certain small everyday gestures (attention, generosity, signs of consideration) are still important to you”, advises the practitioner.
The idea here is to pause the image to see where you are in your feelings. Only then will it be time to discuss this subject.
Understanding the causes of this romantic estrangement
If the distance between you is now proven and you are clear about your feelings, that’s it, the big moment has arrived: it’s time to discuss the evolution of your relationship with your partner.
“We have to ask ourselves: what, at a given moment, made us want to stop? A daily life that has become dull? Habits? Or is time the only big culprit?”
asks Pascal Anger.
We can then realize that we have gradually moved away, without really questioning ourselves (one or the other is here in a form of “comfort”, or even sometimes denial).
“It also happens that love fades away, and there is nothing we can do about it. Loving yourself well is not always enough,”
specifies the specialist.
What should you finally say to the other?
If you are in a dynamic of reconquest, telling your partner that you care about them is extremely important: “I care about you for these reasons.”
Then, to get off on the right foot, you will need to nourish the relationship, initiate moments together, but also preserve time for yourself to reinvent yourself. “Maintain love and humor and also accept that certain aspects evolve over the years, including sexuality,” underlines the psychologist.
On the other hand, if it is already too late (and your romantic feelings have indeed vanished), consider having a friendly dialogue.
“You don’t have to tear yourself apart. Consulting a third party can also help,” admits Pascal Anger.
Whatever your romantic situation, keep in mind that responsibility is often shared: one may not have expressed their distress early enough, the other may not have been able to perceive or hear the signals. “Very often, both are responsible,” concludes the specialist.
The main thing in the end? Don’t let silence or anger settle in!