“Talk about your problems, it will do you good!” This kind advice has resonated since our childhood as therapeutic evidence. However, psychological research reveals a much more nuanced, even counterintuitive, reality. In his work The other side of personal developmentYves-Alexandre Thalmann questions what he considers to be one of the greatest myths of popular psychology: the idea that the systematic expression of our negative emotions would constitute a royal road to healing.
Studies that contradict common sense
The scientific work on the subject is clear. In 2008, following a deadly shooting at Northern Illinois University, psychologists Amanda Vicary and R. Chris Fraley followed students traumatized by the event. Their findings, published two months after the tragedy, defied all expectations: those who had shared their emotions via telephone and internet were not doing any better than the others. They endured the same symptoms of depression and anxiety, even though they claimed it felt good.
Even more disturbing, a study by Professor Mark Seery of 2,000 Americans after the September 11 attacks revealed that people who shared their feelings directly after the tragedy were worse two years later, and ruminated more than those who had remained silent. A worrying correlation even appears: the more we talk about our suffering, the less well we feel.
Corumination, a trap of social networks
The Belgian psychologist Bernard Rimé, specialist in “social sharing of emotions”, sheds light on this paradox. When we go through an ordeal, our attention naturally focuses on our painful feelings, and we feel an irrepressible need to talk about them. But this sharing, far from appeasing us, “pours verbal fuel on the fire of our emotions”, explains the researcher. It fuels our mental ruminations, which we know play a determining role in the maintenance of depressive and anxiety symptoms.
Social networks dramatically amplify this phenomenon, giving rise to what specialists call “corumination”: a collective sounding board that maintains and amplifies suffering instead of calming it. “If I just express my emotion, it doesn’t change anything, I’m not calmed“, underlines Yves-Alexandre Thalmann. “You have to analyze and understand the emotion. We have to do something with this anger or this sadness.”
Moving from feeling to action
So, how can we distinguish healthy sharing from harmful corumination? The psychologist offers a simple key: switch to “solution mode”. “We can talk about our regrets, for example, in the third person, this provides emotional distancing.“, he explains. “Stop justifying yourself and say okay, I’m sorry but what can I do to fix this?“This cognitive distancing allows us to thematize the painful experience, analyze it with hindsight and develop strategies to move forward.
The therapeutic setting, unlike informal conversations, offers precisely this possibility: not simply listening with empathy, but stimulating reflection and encouraging distancing. “Howling with the wolves may give you the impression of not being alone, but it does not help your morale or your recovery.“, summarizes the author.
Time, this little-known ally
Yves-Alexandre Thalmann also recalls an often forgotten truth: time remains “an excellent therapist”. The mechanisms are fascinating. “It’s paradoxical because memory changes our memories“, explains the psychologist. “We remember the last memory and we modify the memories unconsciously. Memory is a machine for embellishing memories.” Over time, we remember the cocktail on the beach, but no longer the traffic jams that preceded the vacation.
For bereavement, for example, rather than dwelling on the loss, he recommends evoking the deceased in happy memories: “It really helps.” An approach that contrasts with the contemporary obsession with the immediate and exhaustive expression of all our emotions.
Faced with psychological suffering, the solution does not lie in systematic and repeated verbalization. It is sometimes better to favor “silence and sobriety”, then let time do its pacifying work. Advice that goes against the grain of the thriving personal development market. “Make no mistake, it’s a business“, concludes Yves-Alexandre Thalmann. “If it were really effective, we would no longer sell training courses or books.” A beneficial lucidity at a time when asking the right questions is often better than buying the wrong answers.
FAQ – Talking about your problems doesn’t always feel good: science challenges the myth of catharsis
1. Why doesn’t talking about your problems always bring relief?
Because verbalizing your emotions can fuel rumination. Talking about it without seeking a solution revives the suffering instead of alleviating it. This phenomenon, called coruminationis common on social networks. Expression alone is not enough: we must understand, act and distance ourselves.
2. How to distinguish beneficial sharing from harmful sharing?
Good sharing leads to reflection or concrete action. The bad one limits himself to repeating his emotions without analyzing them. Talk, yes, but to move forward: identify a problem, consider solutions, and not stay in feelings.
3. What to do instead of emotional “catharsis”?
Take a step back. Use cognitive distancing, for example by speaking in the third person. Focus on what we can change, rather than what we experience. And sometimes, simply let time act: it soothes more surely than repeated words.