Buying an apartment, having a child, progressing in your career… A busy schedule for 30-year-old women, who are supposed to be impeccable on all fronts. An impossible race for performance denounced by Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
“Panic years”: thirties, a painful stage for women
Finding the ideal life partner, succeeding in their professional life and giving birth to children quickly (because the clock is ticking, ladies!) seem to be a summary of the road map for thirty-somethings: they must perform on all levels without batting an eyelid, at the risk of falling behind in their own lives.
“It’s a period when questions about motherhood, stability, success, the famous “where are you?” resonate more loudly. As if there was only one good trajectory, and that by moving away from it, we would be living the wrong life. But it is also a moment when we ask them of ourselves, sometimes with an even greater severity than that of others, we must recognize that!” recognizes the expert.
However, this diffuse and insidious pressure is not synonymous with a simple “slump”, or a “small” questioning: it is also and above all a difficult period, a source of suffering. Camille, a 35-year-old freelancer interviewed by Slate, experienced these “years of panic“.
“I know there is no perfect timeline to follow, but I feel the social gaze weighing on me”confides the thirty-year-old. “At my age, looking for myself professionally and not being in a relationship is definitely a problem. You have to live with this mental burden of not being “on the mark”, assures the young woman who secretly dreams of having a baby.
Same thing for this thirty-year-old interviewed by Le Parisien, who realized that she no longer ticked any boxes after leaving a toxic job. “I added up: no boyfriend, no real estate purchase and… no more permanent contracts“, she admits.
The problem ? Once this little guilty voice is comfortably installed, it is difficult to dislodge it. It infiltrates almost everywhere in everyday life: through conversations between friends (“Still solo?“, “So when will Gabriel have a boyfriend or girlfriend?“), at work (“Oh well, you don’t find meaning in your job?“), and especially in the eyes of the family (“When are you getting married?“).
“As if, at 30, everything had to be decided, planned… while we are still in the middle of construction.” regrets Amélie Boukhobza.
A guilt weighed down by possible regrets
Ultimately, the concept of “Panic years” is not really new. Women have always had to put a ring on their finger (Napoleon’s civil code dating from 1804 stipulates that “every woman owes obedience to her husband“) and start a family. Except that to this injunction is now added the fact of earning money, while flourishing professionally. And those who dare to stray from this straight path… are quickly overtaken by guilt and regret.
“A woman who hesitates, who does not want a child right away or who wants to change path, quickly finds herself faced with two questions: “What if I regret it? What if I miss out on something?” underlines the psychologist.
There is also of course this biological reality which creates a de facto inequality, recalls the expert: it is women who bear children, not men. And society constantly reminds us of this. At the same time, carrying a child is also an opportunity – an experience that men cannot have. “And this does not mean that desire is necessarily built under pressure, nor that the fear of disappointing becomes a compass. We often confuse this fear with an authentic desire,” underlines the practitioner.
How can we free ourselves from this collective pressure?
Refocusing on your markers of success or failure, and not those conveyed by society, is obviously not easy. But we can start by distinguishing what comes from within ourselves and what comes from outside, advises our expert. By asking yourself, for example, “Do I really want this or that? Or am I trying to live up to an image?“, she recommends.
Sometimes, this simple internal sorting already allows you to see things more clearly and to be a little more peaceful. We leave this idea “that something must be proven at all costs”, says Amélie Boukhobza.
Then, allow yourself to not know – put some distance between yourself and what society expects. Let the desire come – the real one – not the one dictated by the stress of age.
“My advice? Learn to listen to yourself to understand what you really want. Do if you want to. Don’t do if you don’t want to. And stick to that line, no matter what anyone says about it…”, she concludes.
A great way to refocus on yourself, your needs… and your own happiness.