In certain conversations, discomfort gradually sets in: a silence that drags on, glances that turn away, a joke that doesn’t make anyone laugh… However, the person speaking seems not to notice anything and continues their speech as if nothing had happened. This discrepancy is not necessarily linked to a lack of benevolence. It can sometimes reflect difficulties decoding social signals and adapting one’s behavior to the situation.
L’social intelligence is indeed not simply about being likeable or knowing how to make yourself liked. Rather, it designates a set of skills that allow you to understand others, perceive their reactions, adapt your communication and take into account the effect of your behavior on those around you. It calls in particular on empathy, listening and the ability to take into account the point of view of others.
Low social intelligence: these behaviors can give rise to suspicion
A conversation mainly focused on oneself
Talking about your experiences, telling an anecdote or giving your opinion is obviously nothing abnormal. The problem appears when the conversation systematically becomes one-sided.
Some people have a tendency to monopolize the speech, to regularly interrupt their interlocutor or to bounce on each of their sentences to tell their own story. They ask few questions and sometimes seem more to wait for their turn to speak than to really listen to what is being said to them.
A lack of listening can then give the other person the feeling of not being heard or considered. Conversely, active listening involves letting your interlocutor finish, asking questions and rephrasing if necessary.
Difficulty spotting discomfort
Another common situation: not understanding that the interlocutor wants to end a conversation or change the subject.
A person who responds more and more briefly, regularly looks away or stops resuming the discussion can send signals indicating that they no longer want to continue. But be careful: no gesture taken in isolation allows you to know with certainty someone’s state of mind.
It is precisely the combination of several cues, verbal and non-verbal, that can make it possible to adjust one’s behavior. Knowing how to observe without drawing conclusions too quickly is therefore one of the social skills useful in everyday life.
Personal boundaries that are sometimes difficult to respect
Being too familiar with someone you don’t know well, asking very personal questions, giving advice that wasn’t asked for, or entering a person’s physical space without being invited can also create discomfort.
However, social rules are not the same for everyone. They vary according to cultures, relationships and situations. The issue is therefore less about knowing a universal list of prohibitions than knowing how to adapt to your interlocutor and respect their reactions.
A tone that does not change with the situation
Social intelligence also involves being able to adapt one’s way of communicating to the context.
Making a joke after someone has just said something painful, continuing to tease someone who seems uncomfortable, or using a tone that is far too familiar in a professional context can cause a disconnect.
In these situations, it is not necessarily what is said that is the problem, but the fact of not taking into account the situation or the emotional state of the other.
Low social intelligence: this does not mean being “stupid”
However, it would be simplistic to consider that a person exhibiting these behaviors is less intelligent than others. L’social intelligence is not a synonym for general intelligenceand there is no diagnosis to simply classify individuals according to “social IQ”.
These skills can also vary considerably from one situation to another. A person can be perfectly comfortable in a two-person conversation and have more difficulty in a group. Another may be very attentive to the emotions of others but have difficulty understanding certain innuendoes.
Likewise, occasional clumsiness is obviously not enough to conclude that there is a lack of social intelligence. Rather, these are behaviors that are repeated and regularly cause difficulties in relationships that may be worth questioning.
Good news: social intelligence can be worked on
Being more considerate of others is not necessarily an innate quality. Some skills can be developed with practice.
A first habit is to really listen before preparing your response. Asking a question about what your interlocutor has just said, avoiding interrupting them or rephrasing what you have understood are simple ways to show them that you are really present in the exchange.
It can also be useful to learn to observe other people’s reactions without interpreting them too quickly. If a conversation seems to be getting uncomfortable, one can simply slow down, change the subject, or directly ask, “Are you okay?”
Finally, knowing how to recognize awkwardness and apologize is also an important social skill. No one perfectly perceives the reactions of others all the time. The main thing is also to be able to adjust your behavior when you understand that you have crossed a limit or created discomfort.
Social intelligence therefore does not consist of being perfect in society. It is based above all on the ability to listen, observe, adapt and, when necessary, correct the situation.