In a society that values performance and excellence, perfectionism is often encouraged. But behind this requirement sometimes lies a much heavier reality…
When the requirement becomes overwhelming
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do things well. It can also result in a persistent fear of not being good enough, even when everything seems under control.
“Even when everything already seems almost perfect, we are afraid of doing poorly, of not being up to the task, of missing out on something… So we procrastinate, we postpone, we adjust again, with this feeling that a detail is always missing“, explains Amélie Boukhobza.
This feeling is actually quite common: many people experience a form of dissatisfaction with what they accomplish, as if nothing was ever completely accomplished. This impression that everything can — and must — be improved maintains a permanent tension, often silent, but which can lead to real exhaustion.
“We often talk about perfectionism, rigor, involvement…. Except that behind it, it’s something else. A fear of doing wrong that is not necessarily seen. But who organizes everything“, specifies the expert.
Behind this requirement lies a form… of permanent vigilance. The mind remains alert, as if it had to anticipate the slightest possible error. All of this therefore mobilizes a lot of energy on a daily basis.
“We check. We anticipate. We correct it. We spend time on details that no one notices“, underlines the practitioner.
This operation may seem reassuring in the short term, because it gives the impression of being in control of things. But in the long term, it locks you into a vicious circle where nothing ever seems enough. Even successes are downplayed or called into question.
“We are hesitant to get started. Or we keep starting over. And above all, we doubt. Even when it’s successful“, warns Amélie Boukhobza.
Inner anxiety that is difficult to soothe
Contrary to preconceived ideas, this way of thinking and acting is not based on the expected result(s), but on a feeling of inner insecurity that is difficult to calm.
“The problem is not the result, it is inner insecurity. This mechanism is often found in what we call a form of performance anxiety. But also in certain dynamics close to obsessive disorder” explains Amélie Boukhobza.
In other words, it is not so much the issue that poses a problem, but the way in which it is experienced. The requirement here becomes a strategy to try to reduce a deeper anxiety, often difficult to clearly identify.Thoughts revolve, insist, force us to check, to redo, to make sure“, indicates the expert.
Result ? On a daily basis, these thoughts take up a lot of space. They create a sense of urgency, pushing you to act again and again to try to reassure yourself… without ever succeeding.
“So we try to control everything, ever more. But paradoxically, that doesn’t calm anything down. Because it is not reality that we seek to control, but a deeper anxiety, precisely difficult to contain… Something older, often linked to the view of others, to the fear of disappointing, of being judged, of not being enough. As a result, it takes time, slows down, and above all prevents you from taking full advantage of what is already there.“, underlines the practitioner.
Gradually, this dynamic can lead to avoiding certain situations. Rather than risk doing something wrong, some people prefer not to act at all, which can reinforce the feeling of failure or stuckness.
“And as I said at the beginning, some even end up avoiding it. Postpone…or don’t start at all. For fear of not doing “the right thing”. And then it becomes problematic“, admits the psychologist.
So what to do?
Breaking out of this circle is not simply about “letting go” or becoming less demanding. The mechanism is deeper.
“Telling yourself that it is enough to be less demanding is not enough: things don’t work that way“, explains Amélie Boukhobza.
Indeed, the requirement is often only the visible part of a more complex system. Wanting to suddenly suppress it can even increase anxiety, because it regulates emotions. “It is then necessary to identify when the requirement changes. When it no longer serves something… but becomes an attempt to calm internal tension” warns the expert.
This observation work gradually allows us to gain perspective… and then to modify our automatisms. “It is necessary to learn to tolerate approximations. Not easy I know… But we have to get away from this all or nothing logic“, underlines the practitioner.
This involves accepting some form of temporary discomfort. Giving up total control can generate anxiety, but it is also what gradually allows you to regain more freedom in your actions.
“And above all, understand where it comes from. Because as long as doing wrong is experienced as a danger, the need for control will return, again and again. A whole system has been established, and which we will gradually have to learn to deconstruct.“, admits the psychologist.
By gradually learning to let go, to accept that everything is not perfect and to be more indulgent with yourself, it is thus possible to see the fear of doing wrong go away… for good!