In intimate life, certain practices still trigger awkward silences. Fellatio is one of them. Between taboo, modesty and power relations, this gesture remains loaded with complex symbolism. For sexologist and author Gianpaolo Furgiuele, it is not just a question of technique or preference: it is often a mirror of the couple, their communication and the relationship that each person has with their own body.
When oral sex still bothers
Refusing fellatio does not always have the same meaning. This may reflect personal embarrassment, an imbalance in the relationship or simply an imagination still full of shame. Gianpaolo Furgiuele explains: “Several reasons can explain this. First, it can reflect bodily discomfort. Many people still associate oral sex with something “dirty” or transgressive, which they have inherited from an upbringing marked by body shame.“.
Beyond this image of fellatio, the reason for the refusal or reluctance to perform it may find its origin in a problem within the couple. “Next comes the lack of reciprocity. If pleasure only exists in one direction, refusing fellatio can become, consciously or not, a way of expressing frustration or an imbalance in the relationship.“, specifies the sexologist.
In other words, beyond the act itself, it is often the personal history, the taboos and the dynamics of the couple which determine the way in which it is perceived and above all experienced.
An act still perceived as reductive
For the sexologist, fellatio can still be perceived as a humiliating act for the person who performs it: “There is the symbolic dimension of the act. For some, fellatio evokes submission. For others, it embodies gift or fusion. These opposing perceptions can create tension around the gesture itself“.
In a society where morality still weighs on sexuality, he invites us to redefine what “submission” means in an intimate context: “Submission in sexuality is not submission in life. It is a space of freedom in which power is renegotiated through consent“.
All these taboos, still full of judgments or “morals”, sometimes prevent partners from fully exploring their desires. “But it is by overcoming this fear of judgment that the couple can find a more free and sincere intimacy, and therefore more fulfilled,” admits the expert.
How to talk about it without causing offense?
Addressing the issue of fellatio within a couple remains delicate because it affects modesty and trust. Gianpaolo Furgiuele recommends going with caution: “Addressing this subject requires above all kindness and tact. Talking about sexuality is always talking about vulnerability, especially when it is a practice charged with imagination and emotion.“.
The most important thing is not to make your partner feel guilty and to make them talk about your feelings and your desires: “The first rule is to avoid any injunction and talk about yourself rather than the other. Finally, you have to give time. Desire does not obey logic all the time since it is built on trust“, explains the expert.
“The desire changes, it is proof that the couple is alive“
Finally, a refusal today is not necessarily immutable, the desire is moving, it evolves with time and complicity. “Like sexual desire, the perception of fellatio evolves over time, depending on trust and the couple’s history. What might initially seem taboo, embarrassing or secondary can become natural over time. The idea is not to ‘find’ something, but to rediscover together what makes us happy today. Sometimes, replaying a practice from another angle, in another context, experimenting…“Fortunately, sexuality is not fixed and our preferences change throughout our lives.
The key to fulfilling sexuality lies in good communication, more than the practice or technique itself. “Refusing or wanting fellatio is rarely a question of the mouth… but of the connection. Desire changes, it’s proof that the couple is alive“, concludes Gianpaolo Furgiuele.