Sometimes, the couple no longer relies on present love, but on the strength of a common past. Guided by this nostalgia, some partners cling to a bygone passion.
If remembering happy moments can strengthen the bond and recall the foundations of the relationship, memory can also become a trap. As Siyana Mincheva points out, when the flame goes out, nostalgia alone is not enough to rekindle the hearth.It’s like two candles that have gone out.”
she illustrates.
The danger of idealization and denial of reality
The major risk arises when the past becomes more attractive than the present. By emphasizing the positive and minimizing the negative, partners lock themselves into a distorted vision of their own history.
Siyana Mincheva explains that this mechanism prevents us from seeing the fragility of the current union. “When partners emphasize the positive and minimize the negative, there can be an element of fantasy and the hope that the other and the relationship will return to the way they were before. This prevents the couple from realizing that the relationship is unstable. We are in denial of reality.”
This lack of objectivity creates a fictitious world which further weakens the bond.
For the psychologist, “we then lack an objective point of view and we lock ourselves into the imaginary, the fictional, the fantasy. This can be dangerous and ruin the link even more“.
Staying “for the children” or out of fear: false solutions
Among the reasons for staying despite the absence of love, we often find the well-being of children or irrational fears. However, according to the expert, these “false beliefs” are harmful.
- The family trap. Staying for children under the pretext of protecting them is often counterproductive. “This means trapping them even more because they sense that tensions between their mother and father are present. On the contrary, they will understand reality better if their parents are honest with them and take responsibility for being sincere” ;
- Limiting fears. The feeling that we will not be able to fend for ourselves or that our life is wasted fuels emotional dependence. “The lie we tell ourselves is so beautiful and seductive that we can’t imagine living without it.”specifies Siyana Mincheva.
The relationship as a test and learning
Drawing on the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, Canadian doctor and speaker, Siyana Mincheva recalls that the couple is a test of growth. Either the partners grow together, or the relationship awakens deep wounds that require personal work.
Even in the event of separation, nostalgia should not be seen as a failure, but as a step. “All that matters is what we learned about ourselves and also understood why we had to live it.” says the psychologist.
For her, the key to healing lies in lucidity. “The idea is to learn to be objective, in my opinion it is a first step which will lead to healing.”
In conclusion, if nostalgia can be a sweet scent that reminds us why we loved each other, it cannot constitute the sole foundation of a future. “True love is not nourished by what we have been, but by what we choose to build, every day, in the present” she concludes.