Being rejected by someone is never easy. We can be disappointed, even greatly saddened by having been rejected and unwanted. But on the other hand, saying “no” is also proof of honesty. You still have to find the right words to correctly formulate your thoughts. Pascal Anger, psychologist, gives us his instructions for mastering this delicate exercise brilliantly.
Rejection, a painful emotional wound
Rejection generally manifests itself through the feeling, real or imaginary, of having been rejected and unwanted by the other. It can arise during a job interview, a romantic disappointment, a friendly misunderstanding… and very often hurts.
“Rejection, basically, is a form of ghosting… difficult to bear. We already live in a difficult, often selfish, inward-looking world. Ghosting refers to the worst thing: indifference. Of course, we don’t always have to apologize when we don’t want to pursue a relationship – in love or at work. But the minimum is to say something. Receive a simple message like “Our apologies but we won’t give continued” is already a mark of respect”, recalls Pascal Anger.
Rejection in love: sincerity is decisive
In love, things often get complicated. What to do when the other person wants to pursue a relationship and this desire is not reciprocated? In reality, again, it is essential to be able to say to yourself:just things“, with accuracy and sincerity: “I’m sorry, but you don’t meet my expectations.”
Another practical tip to apply: reverse roles.
“If I were in his place, what would I want to hear? The important thing is not to leave the other person alone with their incomprehension. I recommend being honest (as much as possible) and explaining why you don’t want to continue, without showing cowardice. Sometimes, we can even consider another common ground: a friendship for example instead of this impossible romantic bond. recommends the expert.
And at work?
In this area, things are a little different. We can say for example: “This time, I can’t respond favorably, but I’ll save your profile for next time.”
Often, the other (here, the employer) is not able to see that a hand is being extended, and yet: it retains great value.
How can we explain the reasons for this refusal?
If it is not always easy to explain the real reasons for a refusal – since they often prove embarrassing and difficult to formulate – “we must never forget that the other exists and that they now find themselves in a great vulnerability. Being ghosted remains a real ordeal, even if it has become commonplace today. regrets Pascal Anger.
Then, we must understand the emotional issues of this rejection, by asking ourselves: why am I rejecting it? What is he doing that I reject him? This work of introspection allows us to better anticipate the reaction of others. Because if rejection hurts – being able to take this small step towards the other person – makes a huge difference.
“Preparing yourself before announcing a refusal is therefore essential. Taking the time, the necessary perspective, clarifying your reasons (no ambiguous message), but also choosing the right time and the right place is important (never in public, so as not to embarrass them). Because, yes, form matters a lot”, recalls the psychologist.
It is also essential to use the “I”rather than the “you”.
Finally, you have to give the other person time to digest. “We can, later, come back to what happened: ‘What did that do to you?’ Without forgetting to be yourself and remain open. Saying no is not saying no to everything: it is only a question here of asserting a limit, with humanity.” concludes Pascal Anger.