We often talk about romantic compatibility, but what about sexual compatibility? Myth or reality? Between those who dream of an instant carnal connection and those who discover with surprise that their partner does not have the same instructions at all, the question often comes up: can we really be incompatible in bed? Spoiler: yes, but not as we think. Sexual compatibility is not a cosmic lottery or the wave of a magic wand. It’s more of a balancing act between desires, rhythms and little phrases that we dare (or not) to pronounce under the covers. Decryption with Gianpaolo Furgiuele, sexologist, who reminds us that sexual harmony can be cultivated… and it can be learned.
Can we really be sexually compatible or incompatible?
Sexual compatibility is a bit like the recipe for a good dish: everyone has their secret ingredients. Some believe in chemistry at first sight, others know that doses must be adjusted. For Gianpaolo Furgiuele, sexologist, the idea of a sexual soul mate is above all a romantic illusion. According to him, “yes, we can talk about sexual incompatibility but not as an inevitability. Sexual intercourse is the meeting of two bodies, two universes that did not know each other before“. An image that says a lot: two galaxies colliding, obviously, that requires some adjustments.
The expert specifies that “incompatibility can manifest itself at the level of sexual practices, rhythm, need for tenderness or intensity“. But in reality, the reasons for this incompatibility are not found in bed, but rather in the balance of the couple: “most often, it reveals above all a lack of listening or communication. A fulfilled sexuality does not come from immediate alchemy, but from mutual curiosity and the desire to explore together“, specifies the sexologist.
Sexual compatibility, a balance to find
According to Gianpaolo Furgiuele, compatibility is not about technique or performance. Rather, it is due to this subtle mix between desire, rhythm and personal values. He explains: “Sexual compatibility depends on several factors, which go well beyond just practices. First there is desire, which varies in intensity and frequency depending on the individual. Some need frequent reports, others favor quality or the emotional dimension“. The sexologist reminds us that open-mindedness remains the best weapon against boredom in bed: “sexual practices also play a role in all this. They must be able to be shared without judgment, with curiosity and respect“.
But be careful, it’s not just a question of frequency (and fortunately). “Rhythm, communication and relationship with the body also influence harmony. Finally, values, the culture of pleasure, and the vision of the couple (fidelity, freedom, modesty, spirituality, etc.) condition the way in which each person experiences their sexuality.“.
In short: what works for your neighbors will not necessarily work for you, and that’s fine.
When incompatibility becomes a real problem
Don’t panic, breakdowns or temporary weariness do not necessarily mean that all is lost, especially if you have been sharing intimacy with your other half for many years. Gianpaolo Furgiuele distinguishes between empty passages and real discrepancies. According to him, “a real sexual incompatibility manifests itself over time. When it is a temporary problem, we often observe variations: drop in desire linked to stress, fatigue, tensions in the couple or a particular life context“.
On the other hand, when disagreement and sexual dissatisfaction take hold, there is no longer any ambiguity: “incompatibility results in a persistent discordance: bodies do not respond to each other, desires do not meet, even when everything else is going well“.
In other words, if the couple checks all the boxes except the bedroom one, the problem is probably worth exploring… together, of course.