Can we have intimacy without preliminaries or sex? Yes, says Sharon Bober, professor in psychiatry at Harvard. Contrary to popular belief, all couples do not need to have sexual intimacy to feel “connected”. An opinion also shared by Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
Discords occur when expectations differ
Not having active sex life with your partner is not necessarily a problem. What creates tensions, as often in love, is the gap between the desires and expectations of each.
“”If the two partners have the impression that their needs are met and that they feel close and mutually supported, it works “confirms Dr. Sharon Bober to the newspaper The Harvard Gazette. “”Problems related to the absence of sex in a relationship arise when the partners are not in phase “specifies the professor in psychiatry.
An observation validated by Amélie Boukhobza. Certainly, sexuality is important in the balance of a couple relationship, but it does not do everything. “”There is also something else“.
A “deeper” link
“Something may be deeper – in any case, more structuring: the quality of communication”, confirms the psychologist. “Not basic communication or logistical exchanges, everyday settings. Even if this agreement sometimes starts there: say hello, good evening, ask how the day went. But the essential is elsewhere”, underlines The practitioner.
“Speak true. To say things really. Share your feelings, your doubts, your needs. Debate, listen to yourself, to tell yourself. This is what creates real intimacy. And this link is not only symbolic, since the brain reacts. It activates the same circuits as those of sexual pleasure: secretion of oxytocin, decrease in stress, feeling of security … Attachment is reinforced “, recognizes the expert.
So no, intimacy is not limited to sex. And no, sex alone is not enough to build a solid relationship.
“”That said, except in the event of a clear agreement between the two partners, sexuality remains a fundamental pillar, which cannot be denied. Because she says something that words will never say. A link that goes through the body, desire, non-verbal. A separate space. What matters is not to choose between one or the other, but rather to find a balance. The one that allows everyone to feel seen, touched, desired … and understood “concludes Amélie Boukhobza.