Should we really share everything in a relationship? It’s a question worth asking, because in love, transparency is often presented as proof of trust. But in reality, knowing everything about the other can also end up stifling the relationship… and even “become quite problematic”according to Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist.
Having your secret garden does not mean betraying others
When we love ourselves, very often we don’t want to keep anything for ourselves. Not even the way you sort your laundry or the nickname given to your deceased cat. However, being in love does not necessarily mean sharing everything.
“Being in a relationship does not mean giving up all private psychic life. We can love someone, be involved with them and keep thoughts, memories, doubts, exchanges or a story that belong to us,” explains Amélie Boukhobza.
Ideally, any healthy and balanced relationship should allow a certain freedom of thought. The psychologist also invites everyone to distinguish two notions often confused in the couple: intimacy and transparency.
“Intimacy is being able to share a lot of things with someone because you are very close. Transparency would mean considering that there should no longer exist anything to which the other person does not have access. Which is not quite the same thing…”,
she recalls.
A subtle, but entirely essential, difference: keeping a thought to yourself (for example a traumatic event or a story with a former companion) is not necessarily synonymous with lying. And this does not necessarily put the other at a distance, as one might think.
So, can you have secrets from your partner?
So, can you have secrets from your partner? Yes, but not just any ones.
“A family secret, for example, sometimes does not even completely belong to us. We may have received a confidence that we do not have to automatically transmit to our spouse,” explains the psychologist.
Then there are also all these little thoughts going through your head. A worry at work. A punctual doubt about his relationship. An irritation. Here again, one may wonder whether it is necessary to disclose them.
For Amélie Boukhobza, it’s always a big no. “We have developed a rather strange conception of communication within the couple… As soon as a thought exists, it should be said. But a thought is a thought, not a decision. A worry, not a truth. And a doubt does not necessarily herald a separation”, underlines the psychologist.
Taking the time to understand how you feel before sharing it can even be a way to protect the relationship.
“Saying absolutely everything that is going through us often serves more to get rid of our own discomfort than to take care of the relationship. We then place our anxiety on the other so that we no longer have to carry it alone.” analyzes the expert.
What about money and heritage?
Good news for those who like to separate everything: being in a relationship does not necessarily mean pooling all your resources. “You can perfectly be in a relationship and keep your personal bank account, your money, your own apartment. Romantic commitment does not necessarily mean financial fusion. Still happy!”, recalls Amélie Boukhobza.
On the other hand, there are subjects which no longer only concern the secret garden. Because having something and hiding it are two different things, believes the practitioner.
“This is the case when what we hide significant debts, assets that affect the couple’s plans, a decision that will have consequences for the other… There, we can enter into something that amounts to a betrayal of trust.” warns the psychologist.
Same logic when a parallel relationship exists: it no longer really concerns the secret garden, since it directly involves the couple’s relationship overall.
Raising a child who is not your own: a thorny subject
The question is worth asking once again, because when a child enters a new family configuration, everyone’s place can quickly become difficult to find.
“A stepparent can have a very important place in a child’s daily life, even a real educational function. It would be crazy to ask them to live with them while never having a say,” believes Amélie Boukhobza.
However, this place does not mean replacing the other parent.
“Its role depends on family history, the presence of the other parent, the time spent with the child and the relationship built with him. We can neither say: “It’s not your child, you have nothing to say”, nor act as if the places were interchangeable,” underlines the specialist.
So, what can we ultimately keep for ourselves in a relationship?
In the end, the challenge is not to “share everything”, but to know what you can keep for yourself to be totally aligned – and happy together.
“Concretely, the right question to ask is not whether we should share everything, but whether what I keep for myself only belongs to me or also concerns the life of the other,”
underlines Amélie Boukhobza.
A useful distinction when it comes to the romantic past, because certain experiences do not necessarily have to be put on the table. “I often say it in consultations, the romantic past belongs only to you!” concludes the practitioner.
In a relationship, saying everything, sharing everything is not necessarily a good idea. It is better to know what can remain in your secret garden… and what, on the contrary, must be shared because it also concerns the other. A word to the wise!