When was the last real time you shared with your friends? Not a simple exchange of text messages, nor a hasty coffee to “catch up”, but a moment of raw life, without a stopwatch.
Today, we are more and more victims of “catch up culture”: we tell our lives instead of going through it together. However, a centuries-old German tradition, Stammtisch, could well be the remedy for the erosion of our bonds.
Get out of the ephemeral encounter, where we only tell each other’s stories
Popularized by author Michelle Elman, the concept of “catch up culture” describes these friendships that are no longer nourished by summaries. We send each other “What’s up?”, we plan a quick lunch, and we spend two hours listing the notable events of the last three months.
For clinical psychologist Amélie Boukhobza, this shift is worrying. “We don’t really share moments anymore, we update each other. And we synchronize our lives like diaries”. The risk? Becoming simple spectators of each other’s lives, without building anything in common.
Stammtisch or the strength of the “regulars’ table”
Faced with this observation, the Stammtisch (literally “the table of regulars”) offers an opposite philosophy. It is a recurring gathering, at a fixed day and time, in the same place (bar, café, park). Its strength lies in its simplicity:
- Zero logistics: No need for a Doodle survey or 50 messages to choose a date;
- Zero pressure: We come if we can. No excuses to be provided in case of absence;
- Zero waiting: The appointment exists, whether there are three of us or twenty.
As therapist Meredith Beardmore explains in Real Simple“This predictability takes the mental load out of planning and reduces the emotional stakes.”. It’s a constant in a world that moves too quickly.
Instructions for starting your own ritual
Want to implement this tradition in your social circle? Here are the expert tips for a successful Stammtisch:
- Choose a strategic location: A café or a park where, even if you find yourself alone one day, you will have a good time;
- Set a recurrence: The first Thursday of the month, or every Tuesday at 6 p.m. Stick to it;
- Communicate lightly: Create a focus group for reminders, but keep a welcoming, non-injunctive tone;
- Be persistent: Some sessions will be quiet, others crowded. It is consistency that creates the deep connection.
Remember that friendship is a pillar of our mental health, reducing the risk of depression and anxiety. But she does not speak vicariously via social networks. By adopting a ritual like the Stammtisch, we give back to the link its vital space: that of everyday life, of ridicule, and of shared memories. If you’ve found the rare gems, don’t just exchange text messages: invite them to your table for a meal.