On Instagram, love advice now comes in short, practical formats… and sometimes surprisingly structured. Recently, an influencer, Emily Scott, attracted the attention of nearly 30,000 Internet users by presenting her “1-10” method, supposed to limit marital conflicts. The principle is simple: when the discussion gets heated, each partner evaluates the importance of the subject on a scale of 1 to 10. The one for whom the question matters the most “wins” the decision.
She gives the example of choosing the color of the floor in the house. If it’s a 9 for one and a 4 for the other, priority goes to the first. “Less arguments, more serenity”, assures the influencer. But behind this apparent simplicity, the psychology of the couple invites nuance.
A viral method… and attractive on paper
In a daily life where couples juggle mental workload, fatigue and lack of time, the idea of a quick tool to defuse tensions is necessarily attractive. The 1-10 method offers something of a shortcut: replacing the emotional escalation with a number, supposed to objectify the importance of the conflict.
The intention is interesting. By asking the question “How much does this matter to you?”, we refocus the discussion on feelings rather than argument or personal attack. This can help you take a step back and move away from a logic of immediate confrontation. So should we take inspiration from it?
A tool that highlights needs… provided you speak afterwards
According to psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammou, this notation can indeed make the emotional impact of a subject visible: “Saying “I am at 8/10” or “at 3/10” quickly gives an indication of the intensity of the experience. In a context of emotional overflow, the number can sometimes be easier to express than words.” This theoretically invites us to recognize that the issue is not experienced in the same way.
However, the discussion must not stop at the figure. Because a note alone is not enough to feel understood. It must be accompanied by an exchange: why is it a 9? What does this awaken? What personal story, what fatigue, what frustration is hidden behind it? “Without this space for verbalization, the method risks becoming a simple verdict rather than a tool for understanding. warns the psychologist.
In other words, grading can reduce the intensity of conflict, but it does not replace communication.
The trap of “winner” and “loser” in the relationship
Another important reservation questions Aline Nativel Id Hammou: the logic of “the one with the highest mark wins” poses a psychological problem.
“In a marital dynamic, introducing a notion of victory can establish an implicit balance of power. However, the couple is not supposed to function like a game where one triumphs and the other loses.” This logic can, in the long term, fuel a feeling of injustice or domination, especially if one of the partners regularly feels “less legitimate” because they give lower grades.
“In addition, some might be tempted to overestimate their feelings in order to “win” the decision, which transforms the tool into a strategy rather than a space of authenticity.”
Can we really talk about “useless” conflicts?
Of course, the method is presented as a way to avoid so-called unnecessary arguments. Like the color of the paint, or whether to go out or stay in on a Friday. However, in couple psychology, this notion is very relative, recalls the psychologist.
A conflict over the dishes, for example, is rarely a simple household conflict. It can hide deeper issues: mental load, feeling of injustice, need for recognition or accumulated fatigue. What we call a “small matter” is often the visible part of a relational iceberg.
For the psychologist, it is therefore essential to remember that a conflict is almost never meaningless. Even when it seems banal, it often reflects discomfort, suffering or an unexpressed need.
Also, when is it legitimate to pull out the “1 to 10” card? Who offers it? The one who initiates the conflict or the one who suffers it? Without a clear framework and rules shared in advance, the tool can therefore seem artificial or misplaced.
So, can the method really work?
Yes… but under certain conditions.
The 1-10 method can be useful as a tool for emotional regulation, to take a step back and better perceive the impact of one subject on the other. It can encourage more conscious and less impulsive communication.
On the other hand, it becomes problematic if it:
- Replaces dialogue;
- Establishes a logic of competition;
- Used to resolve deep subjects too quickly;
- Or avoids exploring what lies behind the conflict.
In reality, a number does not resolve a disagreement. He can only open a door.
As Aline Nativel Id Hammou’s analysis implicitly reminds us, “Lhe issue in the couple is not to know who “wins” an argument, but to understand what is at stake behind it. Because most of the time, the real problem is not the color of the floor or the dishes, but deeper needs: recognition, listening, balance or emotional security.
Marital serenity is therefore not measured out of 10. It is built above all in the quality of exchange, authenticity and the ability to transform conflict into a space of understanding rather than an area of victory.