Everyone makes mistakes. But when it comes to recognizing them, words have a weight that should never be underestimated. In friendship, as a couple or as a family, apologizing can be a challenge in itself. And sometimes, it’s less the act of asking for forgiveness than the way you do it that’s the problem. Psychologist Carolyn Sharp reminds us: a false apology can do much more harm than silence. Here are five ways to apologize that you should avoid if you really want to make things right.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
At first glance, this sentence seems full of empathy. But it has a formidable subtext: “I’m sorry YOU feel this way“, as if the problem came exclusively from the sensitivity of the other. Carolyn Sharp is categorical: “It’s like saying to the other person: ‘I’m sorry you’re crazy enough to feel that way’, or ‘I’m sorry you’re stupid enough to feel that way’“.
Result: the injured person feels judged or misunderstood, and the relationship becomes even more fragile. This form of apology denies any real responsibility.
“I’m sorry, but…”
The “but” cancels everything that precedes it. It introduces a rationalization, a personal excuse that only distracts from the harm caused. “I’m sorry, but I was tired“, “I’m sorry, but you provoked me“…In all cases, responsibility is deflected. You are no longer in the excuse, but in the defense.
According to the psychologist, this type of sentence “aims to serve you rather than help your partner“. The underlying message: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do anything about it“. This can quickly become a vicious circle where no one really listens to each other.
An empty, curt or annoyed “sorry”
A simple “sorry” thrown around in a hurry can be perceived as a verbal slap. We are talking here about “disposable excuses“, as Carolyn Sharp calls them, “because it lacks the true care and intention needed to heal“.
And it can get worse: “Sorry, are you happy now?” Or “Okay, it’s okay, I’m sorry, okay?“These sentences, often said in an annoyed or mocking tone, are felt as an additional attack. They close the door to any emotional repair.
“I am the worst person in the world”
Verbally self-flagellation may seem sincere. But in reality, it distracts from the other person’s pain. “I’m horrible, I’m mean, why do you stay with me?“: behind this apparent distress lies an unconscious strategy.
“It forces the injured partner to care for the person who hurt them“, explains Carolyn Sharp. The balance of the relationship takes a hit, because the emotional support is abruptly reversed. And the real suffering of the other is eclipsed by your own guilt.
“Fine, sorry, I’ll never help you again then.”
Here’s the passive-aggressive version of the excuse. We pretend to apologize, but in reality, we punish the other for having dared to express a need or an injury. “Sorry, but your request was too difficult too!” Or “OK, sorry, I’ll never get involved in anything again“: this type of sentence completely reverses the logic of the excuse.
“This is the most toxic form of non-apology“, underlines the psychologist, “and she has no place in a healthy relationship“. Because it transforms the other into a problem, when all they were doing was setting a limit or asking for respect.
We have all, at one time or another, given in to one of these impulsive reactions. Under the influence of fatigue, anger or shame, it is human to apologize badly. But learning to spot these linguistic traps is already a step towards more honest and peaceful communication.