For several months, it has been soliciting you without stopping. For a romantic advice, a walk in the shopping center, a weekend with friends, a lunch on the go … All the excuses pass, under cover that you are his “pillar”, even “his closest friend”. But when the requests saw oppression, what to do? How to install the “Good distance “ necessary for the survival of your relationship? Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, drives us.
To love is (also) knowing how to say no
Despite your countless allusions on your “loaded schedule ““Your need for space “And “time “nothing helps. Your friend refuses to accept (or even to make aware that she nibbles, day after day, your vital space. “”However, it is not because we like this or like that we have to endure everything. It is not because they are relatives that we have to accept everything. We love them, of course. But sometimes we suffocate. And we have the right “, underlines Amélie Boukhobza.
One message per day. Then two. Then three. Calls that drag on. Invitations that fall again and again. “”And very quickly, this impression: we can no longer blow without having to justify ourselves. A momentum rarely dictated by wickedness. Still happy! Most often, these gestures are even magnets. But it is an overflowing love, which invades a little, Unable to perceive exhaustion, saturation “warns the psychologist.
So how to put a limit without hurting?
In other words: how to say stop without cutting the link? “”Above all, you have to keep in mind that it is not a betrayal to say no. It is not selfishness. It is simply recognizing that we need air. Time for yourself. Of silence too, sometimes “, says the expert.
Then the tone plays a lot – no need to explode or disappear. It is necessary to say things with firmness and sweetness here.
“I need time for me right now, I’m less available”, “I appreciate you a lot, but I have trouble with too frequent solicitations”, “we can see each other, but at a rate that suits me better. There, it’s a little too much, I can no longer”, says Amélie Boukhobza. “”Because refusing does not mean rejecting: it is a way of protect. A healthy link allows everyone to breathe, to exist freely, without encroachment. “
What if the other still insists?
“Perhaps his need goes beyond what we are able to offer. But this lack belongs to him. No one has to fill a deep emotional lack in the other. Sacrifying your well-being to preserve that of others has never really led something healthy. “
So yes: saying “no” is legitimate. “”What is more cruel, finally, is to continue saying yes … by swallowing your breath “concludes Amélie Boukhobza.