Admit it. You must have already said a quick “yes, of course”, a “I can’t, I’m sick” or even the classic “everything is fine”, to get out of the embarrassment. These little everyday lies seem harmless. However, they often say a lot about our emotions, our fears… and our way of relating to others.
“We all lie. Sometimes out of politeness, sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of interest… and sometimes without even realizing it”recalled Émile Guibert, doctor of psychology and president of AFPRO in Femina Version. But before even talking about personality, a central question arises: are there several styles of lies? And are they all problematic? For psychologist Pascal Anger, the answer is unambiguous.
Multiple styles of lies? Obvious for our psychologist
In itself, lying is not a uniform block. “There are many forms of lies, of course”explains Pascal Anger. And several types of liars too. Some are done not to hurt, others by fear, by omission, by personal interest or even by refusal to get involved.
It distinguishes in particular:
- Lies to protect others;
- Lies out of fear of reaction or judgment;
- Lies of omission or ignorance;
- Avoidance lies (“I don’t have time”, “it’s not the right time”);
- Self-serving lies (avoid a sanction, preserve your image);
- And the lies that are more anchored in the personality… more pathological.
In other words, we don’t all lie with the same intention. But above all, “it’s never free“, insists the psychologist.
Why do we really lie? The relationship with others in perspective
Lying is not always an act of manipulation. Very often, it is an emotional strategy.
“Sometimes it costs us to tell the truth. Sometimes we are afraid of the other’s reaction,” explains Pascal Anger.
We then lie:
- So as not to worry (for example about one’s health or difficulties);
- To avoid conflict;
- Because we doubt the other’s view;
- Or simply because telling the truth requires more involvement.
The psychologist also emphasizes that lying can be anchored in personal history. Some people lie more because they themselves have been deceived or insecure in the past. “It comes from somewhere“, he explains. Lying then becomes a way of protecting oneself.
Are little lies really harmless?
Flattering someone, finding an excuse, saying “it’s okay” when it’s not… Socially, certain lies are almost tolerated, even expected.
Pascal Anger also recognizes that certain social conventions “make life easier” and avoid unnecessary tensions.
But he warns: even little lies can do damage. “As soon as a lie is detected, it automatically kills trust“, he explains.
And that’s the paradox: a lie intended to protect or reassure can hurt more than the truth when it is discovered. In the long term, the accumulation can even lock the person into a functioning where they are no longer believed.
Lies and personality: different logics
According to Émile Guibert, our lies can also reflect our temperament. Not because some are “more liars”, but because they do not lie for the same reasons.
In summary:
- The nervous person lies impulsively, in the emotion of the moment;
- The sentimentalist lies to protect the bond or his emotions;
- The choleric can direct the truth to convince;
- The passionate lies strategically, in the service of an objective;
- The sanguine person makes pragmatic “little arrangements”;
- The phlegmatic lies little, for the sake of consistency;
- The amorphous lies above all to avoid effort;
- The apathetic person lies little, through disengagement.
A reading grid that matches Pascal Anger’s analysis: the intention behind the lie is essential to understanding it.
Can you be forgiven after lying?
For those who are still bothered by this, here is what he says in the event of a lie. Yes, you can reverse your lies and even apologize. “But not indefinitely,” warns the psychologist.
“We can apologize, be understood, even forgiven — especially in a solid relationship. But repetition permanently weakens credibility.”
“Once you can forgive. Not necessarily two“, summarizes Pascal Anger. Everything also depends on the initial level of trust: a lie at the start of a relationship often leaves a stronger mark.
Understand rather than judge
Understanding why someone lies — fear, protection, avoidance, self-image — does not mean excusing all lies. But this allows us to better decode behaviors and avoid personalizing everything.
Ultimately, the real issue is not only moral, but relational. Because, as Pascal Anger reminds us, whether small or big, personal or relational lies have one thing in common: when they are discovered, they undermine trust.
And that is undoubtedly their true gravity.