If getting married is generally a childhood dream, it happens that we experience doubts before the big day. How then can we distinguish normal, fleeting questions from more worrying signals? Clinical psychologist Aline Nativel Id Hammoud explains to us what details should make you think twice before taking the plunge.
Before canceling your wedding, analyze your feelings
If stressing as the big day approaches is a completely normal feeling (and even more so when small unforeseen events creep in: cancellation of the caterer at the last minute, conflict with your best man, etc.), it is important to sort out your emotions.
Concretely, it is necessary to distinguish so-called “reactive” anxiety – linked to the fact that it is a “serious” commitment, involving administrative, legal, social, financial, material, affective and emotional aspects – from lasting anxiety, which reveals something deeper.
“It is not because there is love and a common life project that there cannot be concerns; often, they manifest themselves around the realization of the project, particularly in the organization of the wedding, a moment where anxiety, and sometimes sadness or a loss of momentum, can appear when faced with the idea of getting married.”
says our expert.
In this specific case, it can be useful to see things more clearly, especially when the countdown has started. Should we or should we not put the ring on our finger? Here are the signs that you should probably throw it all away.
A feeling of betrayal
According to the expert, as D-day approaches, some people feel intense and extreme fear, which shakes them deeply.
“It can be triggered by secrets or lies from the partner, which cause a feeling of betrayal and call into question the couple, even the marriage. This can also be linked to awareness of the partner’s “errors” in the marital dynamic, of their behavior or words, or even of forms of psychological or physical abuse previously unnoticed. admits the psychologist.
The impression of having made this choice “for others”
Another sign to take seriously: a certain pressure, discreet but very real, which pushes us to say “yes”, to the detriment of our own convictions.
“Initially, the person did not necessarily want this commitment, but, over the months or years, they allowed themselves to be convinced by a phenomenon of overadaptation, of conditioning, by love and the desire to please, to the detriment of their own desire. In certain situations, we have the feeling of having made this choice more for others (partner, family, loved ones, or society) than for ourselves.“, details Aline Nativel Id Hammoud.
Diffuse anxiety and mood swings
Unsurprisingly, any form of depression/anxiety that sets in is a big red flag.
“Marked anxiety, mood disorders, depression, depersonalization or confusion about one’s identity… These feelings can be psychologically fragile and sometimes lead to more severe disorders. In these situations, it is crucial to listen to one’s intuition and take these signals seriously,”
recommends the specialist.
A feeling of sadness, accompanied by regret
Regrets and remorse can say a lot about the (non) desire to commit.
“It is necessary to take stock of possible regrets or remorse concerning agreements made within the couple, which were not completely agreed upon, or on material or financial commitments (purchase of property, marriage contract, etc.), as well as on more personal choices, such as whether or not to have a child.“, confides the practitioner.
We must be clear about our feelings: if, faced with the imminent marriage, we do not perceive happiness or fulfillment, but only sadness and anxiety, and these feelings persist over time, “it is not a simple ambivalence, but an established and growing concern”, insists the expert.
The ultimate key to deciding? Listen to yourself!
As his own wedding approaches, “it is therefore crucial to listen to yourself, to give yourself time (even if it means distancing yourself a little from your partner), to rediscover your individuality, to surround yourself with loved ones and to distinguish temporary anxiety from persistent anxiety. This also includes taking a step back from family dynamics – and possible deep disagreements between families, which can cause real conflicts – despite the desire to get married. concludes Aline Nativel Id Hammoud.
At the dawn of your new life, ask yourself the right questions to have no regrets!