We often imagine that it is not necessary to tell others what seems obvious. However, by remaining silent, distance sets in. Things left unsaid accumulate, and with them, frustrations.
Psychologist Pascal Anger recalls how implicit expectations can weaken, or even destroy, a romantic relationship:“When we say nothing, we take it upon ourselves but we also frustrate ourselves. It is therefore essential to express our needs to the other, to communicate constantly and to remain open to adjustments. Because a couple is alive, it must constantly reinvent itself.”
So, what are these expectations that should be banished to preserve your relationship?
The expectation of being understood without speaking
It is undoubtedly the most subtle — and the most dangerous. Many believe that love allows us to guess the emotions, needs or fears of the other. We say to ourselves: “He or she should know how I feel.”. But without words, no real understanding is possible.
Waiting for your partner to read between the lines is condemning communication to failure. Silence becomes frustration, then reproach. Conversely, expressing what we feel means offering others the opportunity to join us instead of leaving them guessing.
“Needs can be emotional, practical, or related to respecting independence“, specifies the psychologist. “And they are normal. However, it is important to express them clearly to avoid tensions.“
The expectation of perfect and constant love
Fairy tales suggest a flawless, eternally passionate love. But in reality, feelings evolve, transform, renew themselves. To expect a constant flame is to condemn yourself to disappointment.
The psychologist warns against this idealization of the modern couple:
“There is no such thing as perfection in love. Fortunately, a couple goes through ups and downs. It is even this movement that makes it come alive. The false belief of unfailing love creates ‘Kleenex’ couples, who break up at the slightest difficulty, incapable of accepting imperfection and compromise.”
Lasting love is not a romantic film: it is built, day after day, in ordinary moments.
The expectation of recognition without expressed gratitude
We often hope that others notice our efforts — an attention, a gesture, daily help. But when recognition doesn’t come, frustration sets in.
“When recognition doesn’t come, frustration takes its place”notes Pascal Anger. “But what many people don’t know is that gratitude can be cultivated as a couple. Saying thank you, valuing others, listening sincerely, are all small gestures that maintain the romantic bond.“
The secret, according to him, lies in reciprocal valuation: “Because love is maintained in mutual recognition, in respect and admiration of the other.”
The expectation that the other will fill our gaps
It’s a stubborn illusion: believing that love will repair our wounds or fill our voids. But no partner can make the other happy if they aren’t already happy.
“To wait for others to fill our gaps is to entrust them with an impossible mission.“, explains Pascal Anger. “The other is not there to meet my needs. On the contrary, everyone must take care of themselves to avoid exhaustion as a couple.“
Taking time for yourself, cultivating your passions, nurturing your independence: so many ways to return to others more peaceful and more available.
The expectation that nothing will change
It is the most deceptive of expectations: believing that love will remain the same forever. However, couples evolve, needs change, desires transform.
To refuse this evolution is to freeze the relationship in an image of the past. “To avoid this pitfall, it is important to talk about everything, including delicate subjects“, underlines the psychologist.
And added: “Provoking change means avoiding stagnation and disruption. To achieve this, couples therapy can help couples who cannot put their situation into words, by teaching them to communicate better, to explore the dynamics of the duo and to find harmony without judgment.“
According to him, this approach allows him to work on his dissatisfactions while maintaining realistic expectations, because, he lucidly concludes:
“Perfect love does not exist.“