In a meeting, this colleague who asks three times if her idea is good enough, who apologizes at the slightest silence, who offers to redo everything to make sure she doesn’t disappoint anyone. Many recognize themselves in this reflex of overadapting, without necessarily understanding where it comes from or why it is so exhausting.
This almost permanent need to be reassured and approved is not just a character trait. For many adults, it seems linked to a criticized childhood, made up of repeated reproaches and disapproving looks. Behind a smile that does everything to please, there is sometimes an old fear hiding.
Criticized childhood: when reproaches become an inner voice
When a child hears especially what is wrong, his brain stores the message that love is conditional. Remarks about his body, his grades or his way of being end up forming a little inner voice that repeats that he is at fault. Over time, this voice becomes louder than compliments.
As adults reach adulthood, this often results in low self-esteem and an intense fear of making mistakes. Many develop an anxious attachment style: they fear rejection, monitor the reactions of others, anticipate every possible reproach. The slightest silence can be experienced as a disavowal, even if nothing has been said.
The compulsive need to please: a behavior that often betrays childhood
This hurt is seen in a constant need for validation. The person constantly asks if everything is okay, apologizes before even speaking, accepts tasks they don’t really want to avoid disappointing. She looks for proof in the eyes of others that she is not going to be criticized or abandoned.
As a child, she sometimes learned that every mistake attracted a sharp remark or humiliation. To stay safe, she began to anticipate the needs of adults. This scenario replays itself later: difficulty saying no, unbalanced relationships, perfectionism to be impeccable, imposter syndrome which pushes you to minimize your successes.
Other signs of a criticized childhood and ways to lighten the weight of blame
Around this need to please often revolves fierce self-criticism, great difficulty accepting compliments, hypersensitivity to the slightest remark and social anxiety which pushes us to avoid certain situations. It’s not just a demanding character: it’s a set of reflexes forged to avoid the pain of repeated reproaches.
Starting to get out of it often involves benevolent observation of these automatisms: spotting each time where we ask if it’s good enough, where we say yes when we think no. Certain therapies, such as cognitive and behavioral therapies, help to question the inner voice inherited from the past and to gradually build safer boundaries.