“I should exercise more.” “I should look at my phone less.” “I should be more patient with my children.” These little sentences seem harmless, even motivating. However, repeated all day long, they can produce the opposite effect to that sought: more pressure, guilt and… less desire to act.
In cognitive and behavioral psychology, these formulations are called “should statements”, which can be translated as “I should statements”. They correspond to rigid internal rules which leave little room for unforeseen circumstances and human limits.
Behind these two words there is often a demand: “I should be different from what I am today.” And this is precisely what can end up weighing on motivation.
Why “I should” can make you lose motivation
When you think “I should go running”, you are certainly setting a goal. But you are also implicitly reproaching yourself: if I don’t do it, it’s because I’m not doing what I should.
The mechanism can then come together quickly: pressure, guilt, discouragement… then avoidance. The bigger the gap between what you think you should do and what you actually do, the more harshly you are likely to judge yourself.
These thoughts are considered cognitive distortions in CBT when they take the form of absolute and repetitive rules. In particular, they can fuel rumination, self-criticism and certain negative emotions.
So the problem is not having goals. It is to transform each objective into a moral obligation.
Albert Ellis had already spotted the “I must” trap
Long before current approaches, psychologist Albert Ellis, founder of rational-emotive-behavioral therapy (REBT), was interested in these demands that we impose on ourselves.
He even coined the deliberately provocative term “musturbation” to designate this tendency to multiply “I must”, “I must” and “I should” in one’s inner dialogue.
For Ellis, it is not necessarily the event that causes our discomfort, but the rigid way in which we interpret it. Telling yourself “I absolutely must succeed” or “I should never make this mistake” transforms a preference into an obligation.
And when reality doesn’t follow, frustration is never far away.
What if you replaced “I should” with “I choose”?
The good news is that you don’t have to give up on your goals to get out of this vicious cycle. Sometimes you just need to change the way you phrase them to yourself.
Instead of thinking:
“I should exercise more.”
Try:
“I choose to walk 20 minutes today because my health matters to me.”
The difference seems minimal. She is not. In the first sentence, you are responding to an obligation. In the second, you make a choice linked to a personal value.
Same thing with:
- “I should look at my phone less” with “I’d like to spend less time on my phone tonight.”
- “I should be more patient with my children” with “I want to try to take a few seconds before responding.”
- “I should eat better” with “I want to make a choice that makes me feel good today.”
The objective remains present, but the guilt is no longer at the center.
A little experiment to test for five days
To modify this inner dialogue, there is no need to revolutionize everything. An experiment offered by Focus involves spending a few minutes a day spotting the “shoulds” that pop up in your head.
For five days, write them down then transform them into a more flexible formulation:
“I decide to… because”
You can also use the “if…then…” formula to move from intention to action. For example: “If I finish my work day at 6 p.m., then I will walk 20 minutes before going home.”
And when you find yourself judging yourself harshly, try speaking to yourself with more kindness. Self-compassion is not about giving up on your goals. Rather, it allows you to recognize your difficulties without transforming each gap into a personal failure.
Because sometimes, to move forward, the best change is not to do more. It’s simply about stopping talking to yourself like someone you need to constantly correct.