When a remark hits the sensitive spot, sometimes all it takes is a sentence to avoid an explosion. Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, in the American media Psychology Todayoffers a simple and surprisingly effective approach to keeping your cool.
Replace anger with curiosity
The idea is to swap the scathing retort that rises to the lips for an open question. “What you’re telling me is interesting, can you tell me more?“: this sentence, according to the expert, allows you to regain self-control while calmly destabilizing the interlocutor. Rather than reacting impulsively, it introduces a mental break which breaks the cycle of defense and anger.
Bernstein explains that this simple formulation acts as an emotional lever: it transforms a potentially conflicting situation into a constructive exchange. By asking a question rather than responding, the person refocuses on understanding rather than reacting.
Three immediate effects according to the psychologist
This approach provides, according to him, three major benefits in the event of tension:
- It offers precious time to regulate your emotions;
- It shifts the balance of power towards curiosity and not reaction;
- She often pushes the other to think about her own words.
The effectiveness of this phrase also lies in its versatility. In an argument with a loved one, when faced with a colleague or a critical parent, this same curiosity helps defuse tensions without raising your voice.
A phrase to use in all circumstances
Jeffrey Bernstein details several concrete cases.
- In front of a mother who questions your way of raising, calmly say “That’s interesting, can you tell me more about what you would do?“brings the discussion back to your experience and saves you from having to justify yourself;
- Faced with a superior who publicly criticizes you for being late, asking the question about what he really means by that forces him to qualify his remarks;
- And when a friend doubts your project, ask “what makes you say that?” leads him to explain his fears rather than judging your idea.
Why does this method work so well? “You are no longer trapped in the vicious cycle of defensive mode and no longer let the other person’s words dictate your state of mind. This phrase creates a mental break, giving you time to process your emotions and decide how (or if) you want to respond further“, concludes the expert.
A simple sentence, to keep carefully for conversations that get out of hand.