With your partner, you are sure: you love yourself. But the education of children, the education of children and professional imperatives question you: can your couple last, over time?
An American psychologist provides an answer to the question
To respond to this enigma, the American psychologist John Gottman imagined an experience. Far from the big romantic speeches or compatibility tests, he simply scrutinized the small daily gestures of several couples. According to him, everything is played in detail.
To observe these individuals, he invited them to spend two days in an apartment filled with cameras. Nothing extraordinary, therefore, just their filmed routine, without a trap or intimate confession question.
“By observing them over these two days, John Gottman claims that we can predict which will still be together in 5 years and which will be separated“Says psychologist Judith Mangelsdorf in the documentary Unhappy, broadcast on Arte.
What interests him are these moments that we do not even notice: a remark launched in a hurry, a look, an answer or a silence. He tracks what he calls “micro-interactions”.
The Gottman constant, a couple’s solidity marker
This ratio, Gottman called it its “constant”. “”The most important marker, according to him, is the ratio between positive and negative interactions. He baptized it the “Gottman constant”: five against a“Explains Judith Mangelsdorf.
Five attentions, for a criticism. A smile, a hand on the shoulder, a soft word, for each moment of tension, irritation or reproach. “”According to Gottman, for a couple to succeed in building a happy and lasting relationship, it takes 5 times more positive than negative interactions, such as criticism or tensions“She said again.
Clearly, it is not the conflicts that kill love. It is their imbalance in the face of tenderness.
There are other signs showing that a couple will last, according to our shrink
“”The tender daily gestures, when they are natural, are a sign that shows a lot of a couple“Also confirms the psychologist Siyana Milnéva. And when these gestures spontaneously come, regularly, the couple is strengthened, almost without being realized.
To the question “Will our love last?”, Siyana Milnéva poses a lucid look. “”This is a question related to the fact that we want it to last, but be careful not to wonder about it for lack of insurance or mistrust“She notes.
According to our expert, there are other signs do not deceive. “”We understand that a couple will last if we notice this type of detail “ she specifies before listing them:
- “”When partners show gratitude and recognition “;
- “When the partners are enthusiastic when one of them receives good news. The success of one must be the success of the couple”;
- “When the couple works like a team and acts together in the face of obstacles”;
- “When the partners allow themselves to be space and everyone respects the moments of the other”;
- “When there is no more taboo subject. It means that the two partners can speak of money, sexuality, the (beautiful) family … without being afraid of being tried or rejected”.
Above all, she adds, a fundamental ingredient should never miss. “”In my opinion, a couple will last a long time or even for life only if respect occupies an important place“She concludes.